When I was a little girl I wished that either death would take me or that someone would come save me; I never would have imagined it would be my future self reaching out across to her frozen in fear through the quantum field.
This world doesn't teach little girls to savagely protect their wild selves, instead it teaches them to be polite, to not disturb others and to relinquish their personal sovereign power away, usually to a prince or a knight illusion.
I grew up in an impoverished household of domestic violence surrounded by dangerous alcoholics, with 'parental figures' who either spoke with their fists or their screaming voices. I was treated no better than a dog on a chain and when my nose bled crimson or my eyes turned black, I preferred to turn to my step father who was sexually assaulting me from the age of six because I learned at least there I would find some sort of fucked up comfort.
How I turned into some sort of a functioning adult and not some rabid wild animal possibly boils down to survival of the fittest, not of the body but of the mind, and that is what I call resilience. It was my mind I used back then and my feminine wiles to survive but my body I felt so far removed from its sovereign power that I only knew it in its identity as a sexual bargaining object.
My story is not unique, in fact all of us have shared trauma in some way, there are many horrors that have been inherited into families and societies and still wars rage across the planet, whether that be physical or of the mind. Yet the war against the feminine aspect of humanity is what touches me the most, it's been threaded through my life's purpose and my soul's consciousness and always moved me to rebirth unity throughout my work.
Healing can take a lifetime of dedicated commitment, it's certainly not linear and often revisits with a bite on the backside. I began my own journey after a failed suicide attempt in 2004, waking up in a psychiatric ward wondering what devilish humour God must have to keep me suffering in this world. Then it came, a moment of peace followed by the thought, if I had survived then maybe it was to help others.
It was a revelation and something certainly never considered before. The new thought kept me company and seemingly brought me into a state of flow as my life began a series of miraculous unfolding. It seeded a purposeful mission, one which still holds true within me today.
I was to restructure the blueprint of my life, through my own grit and determination, forged from fire and risen out of ashes; my rebirth was not some flash from an atomic tsunami but it fell in tune with the patience of nature, slow and cyclical. Becoming a resurrected woman has taken cellular reconstruction and a determination that cannot be given to you but must be born through you.
Since the suffragette movement, the women's empowerment revolution swept the modern world and is prevalent in todays society. Fundamentally what we seek are equal rights, not to be harmed and the remembering that we are not a man's property. Fuck! As if these topics still need fighting for but sadly they do.
My own cultivation of self empowerment began with a softening and a mental reconditioning. A melting into feminine energy, what it means to be a feminine woman, whereby I could radiate my love and my nurturing ways. Any woman will tell you that THIS is what the world needs, and any man who has the capacity to sink into the truth of his bones inherently knows the truth of this too and that the world needs a woman's touch.
Over one million, three hundred thousand women in the UK suffered domestic violence last year and every year there is a rise in numbers of women being murdered and raped. Let's not forget genital mutilation, forced marriages and human trafficking. I wish I was making these figures up but these are the facts that no amount of love and light will melt away. And yet who are picking up the pieces? Women and those who love them.
I have been blessed to travel these ancient and modern wounds with women, called on the Goddess and proudly, unashamedly and proactively plunged into the warmth and pleasure aspects of the ways of woman and as much as I adore and revere this work, we are also not just a piece of pussy or are we our womb spaces.
We have been taught to be independent women, to create the life of our dreams but if we call ourselves goddesses and priestesses then we must remember that we are more than lovers, mothers and creators, we are warrior queen women- whom if and when the time comes, will not need protecting by another because we are whole and complete with balanced masculine and feminine energies and we got this, ALL of it.
We gotta come home to the power of our bodies, not just our sexual and creation powers but the power that calls on Boudicca and Joan of Arc, Kali and Athena, the sane power that writes stories such as Wonder Woman and the Amazonian women and remember that we are not powerless but we are everything.
Shame kept me locked in my body, fear memories etched through my skin, I cant begin to tell you how long I ran from her, refused to acknowledge what she was holding onto. My beloved is a self protection instructor and with his help I began to release the stuck memories through that quantum field. Yes I had spent years in therapy working in mental health, becoming a psychotherapist myself, yes I had worked with plant medicines merging with goddess consciousness and birthing the power of my feminine self but nothing prepared me for the physical purging out of the cellular memory of standing up for my lost little girl, kicking, yelling and screaming like a wild banshee woman wrestling my inner demons until I claimed myself in my wholeness.
Our body IS the Akashic record, it holds the universal consciousness within. It is the key to our peace and shame has no place to reside within. I spent a lifetime with my body in stagnation filled with distractions of my ideas of beauty and self love. True self love means facing your fears wherever they're hiding, fear has a lot to teach us in claiming our sovereignty.
So standing tall side by side with our conscious loving brothers is a choice we can make. I don't know what the future looks like but I decided that this life is for living and this land is our home.
Happy internationals women's day, tag a woman who needs to read this story
I want to see more sisters celebrating the masculine in his heart and in his truth. I long for the feminine to be so joyous in her rapturous ecstasy claiming that He too is love. I pray for women to feel so safe and secure around our brothers that the pain of our ancestors can finally be laid to rest.
When will we all see that we need each other? Realise that the barbaric programming of the enslavement forefathers is not the person who stands before us, or next to us, or in our beds but simply an inherited memory that still haunts.
I want to see more brothers actively defending women in all places, it's not that we cant do it on our own but if we joined forces we would be unstoppable, a team you and I becoming; we. We know that not all of you are our murderers and our rapists but you hold that guilt in your psyche and it weighs you down. I know that you grimace when a sister crosses the road or avoids your eye contact.
It's not fair, it's not. Now that that's been said I hold my hands open and say 'I too am sorry' for we are also responsible for forgetting who we are, for making you think you are our source when in doing so made all of us incomplete. We created this together, no matter who is to blame I say let's create something better.
You see we are at the end of a long road, chosen now to pave another. We have wept many thousands of years and wish only for your truth to be told. No brothers and fathers should have to break under this heavy load, it's not a war against 'them' but it's been a war within, against the feminine aspect of you. Taught to deny and shut down, but the truth is boiling over with no return.
Please brother, reach for your gold.
The beloved is never lost, and they reveal themselves in form as a projection of your inner polarity, without judgement, exactly where you are, as you do too.
As a feminine woman my own experience of this game we call life, was to be stripped of sovereignty through great love, to have it hidden under my nose by the beloved in all his shapes, forms and guises, as I find and reclaim it for myself.
I bow my head in reverence to the beautiful masculine presence in my life. We have travelled galaxy after galaxy, dancing between stars, swinging between the electric leading energy and the magnetic receiving energy of the ever entwined masculine and feminine energies.
Through this hologram of life, those we love gift us pathways of exploring and claiming our own mastery. At times our game of hide and seek seem unbearable as we witness what 'is' through a lens not where we 'are' of our inner world but through the outside polarity projection.
I have ran and have hidden, I have inflicted pain only for it all to find me again. So this year there has been no choice but to surrender to loves greatest longing.
And the greatest longing is union. Union within and without. As I return home over and over to myself, I see how my longing wants to live unashamedly through me, to be embodied in my entirety.
My longing is the great destroyer of suffering and the sweetest dance of ecstasy.
We are a team, a partnership of the divine and we hold each other in holiness. As my eyes look at this photo with myself and my beloved, my body knows that I am safe, that our union has been kissed, and I am humbled by my own longing of union.
It was like a billion stars warp speeding their way through me and I arrived somewhere, a nowhere except for a place of a beat.
Stretching out fully with my inner sight, the beat sounded familiar and I brought my full attention to its rhythm; I realised we were one and I was in the heart of Mother Earth.
She/I were the centre of the whole universe, the heart of all matter seen and unseen. There was no fear, just love and an evolving gnosis to experience herself through me an all her children.
The vision panned out and I felt myself growing with her, up higher until I could see her as an infinite tree and her canopy was glowing with optic-like fireflies of whom all were souls in this quantum reality of life.
There was only peace and a settling on my soul fell about me, remembering my breath to breathe I with her in this oneness.
Returning to her heart, she let me know there was no separation, we became one until it filled my awareness so ultimately that I let go of my body completely.
The birds began an exquisite song, it was like the breaking dawn on the most beautiful summer day. I felt as though I were laying in grass with gentle warm winds kissing my aura.
I heard my name being called, I knew it was the Grandmothers calling me home. There was no rush to greet them, all was well and everything in place. I didn't want to move as the birds codes filled me with grace.
I arrived back in my bed to an early morning chorus with the knowing of home is all about us