This past six months I let most things go, stopped creating, stopped singing, stopped connecting and channelling. My passion for my womb work simply fizzled, I didn't have much drive to seek out therapy clients and my connection to botanicals had all become meaningless and empty.
Since my last plant medicine ceremony last year, I came out of my own mould that I had feverently and proudly created for myself. It meant I have had to step into a place of nothingness, which I now know as the zero field.
The only hint of what I thought as 'me' is that I knew I could set an intention to write and it would flow.
As lockdown reached my life, I was initially relieved, it meant I could give myself some sort of peaceful permission to simply be. As if before that it couldn't possibly be allowed. We give ourselves so much mental hardship for not in some way contributing to the rat race, that the simple act of being is an act of rebellion in itself.
That's how I felt anyway, I scared myself sometimes if I'm being transparent. I was afraid I had unravelled so much of my identity that I didn't know who I was anymore. I tried labelling myself of all the things I thought of as important like psychotherapist, healer, mother, lover, womb keeper, public speaker. I tried to remember all the 'important' career stuff I had done like having my own advice show on TV given a TEDx Talk, giving lectures in universities, written articles for press and media and still it didn't make me happy. Or connected.
Conversations in my head completely sucked, honestly have you ever really tuned in? So much garbage in the collective airwaves recently, it's a challenge not to identify with it. Often I would laugh at myself, to think I was branded as a resilience expert and here I was falling apart into nothingness . I cried a lot but I didn't know what at half the time, I felt fragile and the big one was that I convinced myself I'd officially lost the plot.
The big cosmic joke in all of this, is going through a dark night of the soul and we can still be functioning and communicating at the same time . Humans, we are incredibly complex beings and I honour that within both you and in me . It makes if not, for a fascinating flashback when we eventually leave our bodies.
So a few months ago, my beloved and I hit a major brick wall in our relationship and after a couple weeks of deep introspection and communicating I revealed my biggest hearts desire was to create a future together, not just take each day as it comes. After almost four years of sacred relating and loving, I am now surrendering myself to him in a whole other way and have become his student.
To allow my love to take the lead in an area of my own self development takes a trust like no other, after all he is teaching me something that never would I ever imagine even breathing its energy in, is that of combatives and self protection. In essence I am REBIRTHING myself as sovereign queen, protector and warrior.
In the past I had always refused to even take part in by beloveds work as I was afraid of it. I didn't see myself as accessing this sort of fierceness, I was after all a peaceful person and was contributing to world peace through my love and compassion... My fierceness was in my heart and in my mind, what use was the physical aspect, I would wonder?
After the first session of learning how to groin kick, I lay on the floor and cried. To say it shook me deeply was an understatement. With each physical movement, old trauma energy which had been literally lying dormant in my muscle fibres were being released. I had a lot of memories come up to the surface from the violence of my childhood, I let the tears come and go and brought the old energy into my heart chakra to let it all be alchemised.
Since then my lessons have been in kicking, elbowing, kneeing, punching, eye gouging, and some weaponry. It's highly challenging and I've still got such a long way to go to be proficient in these skills and I honest to God hope I never have to use them in real life but its teaching me some incredible ways about the intelligence of the body, releasing trauma and reclaiming sovereignty.
My mind doesn't like me being a beginner, being a perfectionist means I deeply criticise myself about my body and my abilities but you know what, sometimes you just have to get over yourself. I was never taught lessons in the importance of protecting myself and my children, instead I was given the Disney narrative like most of us.
I'm changing that story now. Rebirthing an aspect of myself which was underdeveloped. I realise that labelling myself didn't resonate, how could it when I am all things becoming? My fire has been lit again and I am grateful .
Leave me a comment and let me know about your biggest re-birth!
Scratch the surface of your uneasiness, let the pinpricks of your discomfort leak into your consciousness. Dare to surrender to the flow of burning bitterness lit by fires of unforgotten feminine rage.
We are assembling now sister, awoken by the rancid seeds of our buried disgust. We can taste the putrid echoes of Earth's terror regurgitating in our gut. Our rage is a messenger of the furious voices unheard by the mothers and daughters of humanity
Silence has been seeping poison through our blood, our culture of the voiceless is crumbling into oblivion as we must dare to feel what was ushered into darkness. Our shadows have been set ablaze by repugnant truth, and we are burning.
This fire is here to transform all of existence, a holy transmutation for the birthing of a new world. Before the grace of forgiveness and compassion can embrace our collective distortion, we must realise and embrace one of the most misunderstood ways of woman; that of our fierceness.
Perhaps our fierceness and righteous rage are the only authentic path to our salvation and the purification of the eternal heart. It requires a revision of feminine sovereignty and a purging of our ambivalence of innate aggressive and authentic power.
We can no longer afford to lay down to the templates of feminine feebleness and helplessness; the energy of our courage must expand and be given space to move through us, to transcend the crushing expectations that have been put upon us, so that we may finally cultivate our primordalness.
Tangled in a web of misconceptions, women have been taught to fear their own naturalness, to suppress the authenticity and the justification of their rage. Even more so through the illusions of spiritual consensus of love and light.
Sisters, we are at the threshold of our liberation and our children's freedom. We must own every aspect of our psyche now, to realise the potential force for the great awakening . Rage, rage against the monstrosities and the violations of our Earth family.
We cannot live without our lives we have been agreeable for far too long. What message does your rage want to reveal to you? Let me know in the comments below!
As I sit at my kitchen table drinking tea, I can hear the dusk choir of birds, the squeak of springs as my son jumps on the trampoline. The dishwasher is on its repetitive cycle and dinner is in the oven, my daughter is upstairs on the phone to a friend and I feel a gentle wind coming through the window. I feel so much peace in these days, lockdown has made my family unit stronger, it has brought us gentleness and relief. I don't miss for one moment school runs and deadlines, and from my internal stirrings there is a gnosis of an era ending.
What will come next, I honestly don't know. Perhaps I should consume more fear I tell myself, prepare for the great showdown, whatever that may be but I feel only stillness. My whole life was about fighting, whether that was for my life, my voice, my body or my freedom, and yet I bring to myself today only presence in this moment. There is nothing else.
I have held space for so many people over the years, listening to their wounds and navigating with them through their traumas. More so even longer for my own but the space I find myself in this now, is only love connected to everything and to nothing. The wind does not call my name anymore and those unsettled waters of chasing and doing have left my shores. My singing does not flow through me as it once did, nobody to save and absolutely nothing to prove.
Perhaps tomorrow this will all change, perhaps by then I may have transitioned from this world and I ask myself what would I have done different if I had longer? Perhaps more travel to see the other secrets of nature... to have made peace with and forged a relationship with my body sooner... to have made love more and asked for more cunnilingus... and most of all I would have liked to have found my trust in the universe sooner, so that I could have relaxed more instead of trying to prove myself and be seen in the eyes of God.
As I feel into my own presence, I sense a deep satisfaction. I have prayed for this my whole life. I am so full of myself today, not a piece missing, true wholeness, a completeness. And I am grateful. This feeling I know will not last, as all feelings are fleeting but I honour its beauty and its grace, in gratitude it found me and therefore flows through me. Perhaps as it radiates out you will taste a glimmer, and may it fall about your own being.
Many changes are occurring now, both inside and out and I recognise some of my work through plant medicines and through manifesting are being birthed now. Most of all I recognise that throughout all of my life I have been in a constant state of birthing myself over and over. I have shared in my writings and presence always about loving and healing oneself, about being a voice for the inner child within. I always knew that we are all wounded or abandoned children, and I felt that as both from my archetype as a mother and as a child. I see how we have all been raised by a tyrant father figure in our consciousness which castrates males and demonises females. Our society is calling out for the milk of the eternal mother, we have been starved of love and of peace and our soul calls out for this everlasting nourishment.
I write this today to connect from my place of truth, and perhaps that doesn't look like yours... I see you brother, I see you sister. Yet perhaps my truth resonates with yours, and if it does do you feel that, we're interconnecting and that is the beauty of our humanity.
As we purge this seemingly 'epidemic' from the planet, we will one by one all come to bear witness for another's sexual abuse story. It may be first, second or third hand but all of us are now affected, it is undeniable.
It may feel overwhelming or confusing. We may wish to deny its existence and bury our head in the proverbial sand but it is this action that has enabled this deeply embedded trauma to seep into our human psyche.
As a collective we stand on the threshold of our consciousness moving from an old distorted paradigm into a new one, which is our original bliss state of love. We cannot be and live in peace until our joint trauma has been processed.
We must share this burden as one, by taking responsibility for our collective recovery. How then can you as an individual, offer a safe space for another?
HONOUR THE PERSON
Commend their courage in coming forward. Lost voices can take decades to be heard and if a person is sharing with you, access gratitude that your presence is a healing container. Sharing is not always easy, and the person will undoubtedly feel vulnerable and that they're taking a risk in their share. They will have weighed up fears such as, "I won't be believed", "They'll think it's my fault" or "they'll think I'm disgusting and dirty". It is imperative that you let the person know you believe them, and do not share any of your own fears or beliefs at this stage.
REMOVE BLAME, DISSOLVE SHAME
Reassure the person that what happened was not their fault, no matter the circumstances. As children, abusive touch can feel pleasurable which is why shame can take root. Reassure the person that no, it doesn't matter what they were wearing, it doesn't matter their state of sobriety, it doesn't matter if a well-known tantric teacher confused them, it doesn't matter if they changed their mind; it's not a yes without competent consent. Mirror back to them their innate knowing of the betrayal against their innocence, it will help them to realign with their truth.
It's a practical step but their safety is of paramount concern. Ask if they are still at risk from the perpetrator? Are there any children who could be at risk? Here in the West we do not live in communities where villagers would gather round to hold space to both the injured and the persecutor, so if the answer is yes there is a responsibility to either report it to the police or offer practical assistance to remove the person away from the environment. This may seem daunting to you but in staying silent, you only enable the abuse to continue. The person sharing may have a resistance to these steps, open up the dialogue and see where it leads. It may become transparent that fear of reporting existing abuse would endanger the person. Know that police do handle these matters sensitively and procedures can be taken to offer safety. Please remember that you solely are not responsible for carrying this burden.
YOUR OWN SHARING COULD BE A SALVE
Where appropriate, if you yourself have been sexually assaulted in some way, then in your sharing of your own story; this can provide a healing salve. It is important to not let your sharing dominate the other person's, sometimes the exchange of "me too" can be enough. Take cues from the other person, are they in a place to hear you? Maybe they will ask you questions, gauge through the knowing of your heart what is appropriate.
Sometimes being heard is enough in that moment but what comes next? Sexual abuse healing is not as simple as opening up and the job is done. There are many layers that can be revealed over time and old memories long forgotten, may come up again and again. For now your responsibility is to be a sign post. Explore the future with the person, what would they like next? Can you help them any further? Do they need anything from you? What healing modalities are available? Remember not to assume but to ask the person. They may not know what steps feel right for them, it may be an overwhelming experience for them. Trust them by finding your own centre as that loving witness.
After the share in the coming weeks and months, the person may have gone 'silent' on you. This doesn't mean they've dealt with their revelations but it could mean they feel embarrassed in their vulnerability. You can be accountable by staying in touch on occasion, let them know you haven't abandoned them. Let them know they weren't too much for you.
Most of all, stay accountable to yourself. In witnessing an abuse story, you yourself may be deeply triggered or have your own explorations to delve into. It is important that you don't stuff it down and away from your consciousness, use it for a catalyst in the greatest change for yourself and for humanity.
He said I looked like candy and saw my sweetness without tasting but with knowing. I admit those words were like silken honey oozing into scars and kissing better memories of wars etched into my skin.
Under his gaze I felt like a flower blooming open petal by petal under sunlit cosmic rays, sometimes revealing a nectar but sometimes turning away.
This work we do, revealing and retreating into sacred space of the beloved's arms yet finding not the other but myself.
When love means freedom, the triggers are the guides and the path to home. What a beautiful blessing to share with the other, a sacredness and holy truth
Grandmother Ayahuasca took my hand last week and we peeled off the layers of my skin and unfolded it like a map of the universe.
She showed me how when we incarnate, our body moulds itself to the conditioning of not only our environment and culture but also it moulds itself to the promise of the work that we would do on this plane.
I enquired more and saw how when we have pain in our bones and when we have trauma etched in our skin, it is not ours to keep and as we work on our bodies, we are in fact in great service to the oneness of humanity.
The extraordinariness of our temples gave me fresh eyes. Within us we have the power to mould our bodies under the eyes of love, for we are love.
Our bodies are our first and last connection to this Earth. Our bodies are loyal AF! Continuing to show up day after day, even if all you can do is crawl, even if you can not move, the consciousness of our bodies continually wants to serve us.
I'm 40 next year and this is the first time in my life I am genuinely curious, from a place that's for me, at what fitness could look like, at what bountiful health could become. I want to love and accept all of me from the top of my head to the tips of my toes.
My beloved has always reflected this message back to me but I was too stubborn to see, still wounded that after all traumas and hardships that I needed to rest. Now I see and it's very humbling because moving my body in a way that my body actually needs is a new concept and I admit I'm sore at being a beginner!
I don't always accept the stories of my body but I do love my body and it is my intention to fall more and more in love with it for the rest of my life. I love my body's womanliness, my narrow waist and big breasts. I love that I created life with this body. I love to make love in this body, I love its sensuality, I love my body's strength to carry on even when my mind has given up.
I love that my body is healthy enough to bleed every cycle and remind me that I AM WOMAN.