This past six months I let most things go, stopped creating, stopped singing, stopped connecting and channelling. My passion for my womb work simply fizzled, I didn't have much drive to seek out therapy clients and my connection to botanicals had all become meaningless and empty.
Since my last plant medicine ceremony last year, I came out of my own mould that I had feverently and proudly created for myself. It meant I have had to step into a place of nothingness, which I now know as the zero field.
The only hint of what I thought as 'me' is that I knew I could set an intention to write and it would flow.
As lockdown reached my life, I was initially relieved, it meant I could give myself some sort of peaceful permission to simply be. As if before that it couldn't possibly be allowed. We give ourselves so much mental hardship for not in some way contributing to the rat race, that the simple act of being is an act of rebellion in itself.
That's how I felt anyway, I scared myself sometimes if I'm being transparent. I was afraid I had unravelled so much of my identity that I didn't know who I was anymore. I tried labelling myself of all the things I thought of as important like psychotherapist, healer, mother, lover, womb keeper, public speaker. I tried to remember all the 'important' career stuff I had done like having my own advice show on TV given a TEDx Talk, giving lectures in universities, written articles for press and media and still it didn't make me happy. Or connected.
Conversations in my head completely sucked, honestly have you ever really tuned in? So much garbage in the collective airwaves recently, it's a challenge not to identify with it. Often I would laugh at myself, to think I was branded as a resilience expert and here I was falling apart into nothingness . I cried a lot but I didn't know what at half the time, I felt fragile and the big one was that I convinced myself I'd officially lost the plot.
The big cosmic joke in all of this, is going through a dark night of the soul and we can still be functioning and communicating at the same time . Humans, we are incredibly complex beings and I honour that within both you and in me . It makes if not, for a fascinating flashback when we eventually leave our bodies.
So a few months ago, my beloved and I hit a major brick wall in our relationship and after a couple weeks of deep introspection and communicating I revealed my biggest hearts desire was to create a future together, not just take each day as it comes. After almost four years of sacred relating and loving, I am now surrendering myself to him in a whole other way and have become his student.
To allow my love to take the lead in an area of my own self development takes a trust like no other, after all he is teaching me something that never would I ever imagine even breathing its energy in, is that of combatives and self protection. In essence I am REBIRTHING myself as sovereign queen, protector and warrior.
In the past I had always refused to even take part in by beloveds work as I was afraid of it. I didn't see myself as accessing this sort of fierceness, I was after all a peaceful person and was contributing to world peace through my love and compassion... My fierceness was in my heart and in my mind, what use was the physical aspect, I would wonder?
After the first session of learning how to groin kick, I lay on the floor and cried. To say it shook me deeply was an understatement. With each physical movement, old trauma energy which had been literally lying dormant in my muscle fibres were being released. I had a lot of memories come up to the surface from the violence of my childhood, I let the tears come and go and brought the old energy into my heart chakra to let it all be alchemised.
Since then my lessons have been in kicking, elbowing, kneeing, punching, eye gouging, and some weaponry. It's highly challenging and I've still got such a long way to go to be proficient in these skills and I honest to God hope I never have to use them in real life but its teaching me some incredible ways about the intelligence of the body, releasing trauma and reclaiming sovereignty.
My mind doesn't like me being a beginner, being a perfectionist means I deeply criticise myself about my body and my abilities but you know what, sometimes you just have to get over yourself. I was never taught lessons in the importance of protecting myself and my children, instead I was given the Disney narrative like most of us.
I'm changing that story now. Rebirthing an aspect of myself which was underdeveloped. I realise that labelling myself didn't resonate, how could it when I am all things becoming? My fire has been lit again and I am grateful .
Leave me a comment and let me know about your biggest re-birth!
Scratch the surface of your uneasiness, let the pinpricks of your discomfort leak into your consciousness. Dare to surrender to the flow of burning bitterness lit by fires of unforgotten feminine rage.
We are assembling now sister, awoken by the rancid seeds of our buried disgust. We can taste the putrid echoes of Earth's terror regurgitating in our gut. Our rage is a messenger of the furious voices unheard by the mothers and daughters of humanity
Silence has been seeping poison through our blood, our culture of the voiceless is crumbling into oblivion as we must dare to feel what was ushered into darkness. Our shadows have been set ablaze by repugnant truth, and we are burning.
This fire is here to transform all of existence, a holy transmutation for the birthing of a new world. Before the grace of forgiveness and compassion can embrace our collective distortion, we must realise and embrace one of the most misunderstood ways of woman; that of our fierceness.
Perhaps our fierceness and righteous rage are the only authentic path to our salvation and the purification of the eternal heart. It requires a revision of feminine sovereignty and a purging of our ambivalence of innate aggressive and authentic power.
We can no longer afford to lay down to the templates of feminine feebleness and helplessness; the energy of our courage must expand and be given space to move through us, to transcend the crushing expectations that have been put upon us, so that we may finally cultivate our primordalness.
Tangled in a web of misconceptions, women have been taught to fear their own naturalness, to suppress the authenticity and the justification of their rage. Even more so through the illusions of spiritual consensus of love and light.
Sisters, we are at the threshold of our liberation and our children's freedom. We must own every aspect of our psyche now, to realise the potential force for the great awakening . Rage, rage against the monstrosities and the violations of our Earth family.
We cannot live without our lives we have been agreeable for far too long. What message does your rage want to reveal to you? Let me know in the comments below!
As I sit at my kitchen table drinking tea, I can hear the dusk choir of birds, the squeak of springs as my son jumps on the trampoline. The dishwasher is on its repetitive cycle and dinner is in the oven, my daughter is upstairs on the phone to a friend and I feel a gentle wind coming through the window. I feel so much peace in these days, lockdown has made my family unit stronger, it has brought us gentleness and relief. I don't miss for one moment school runs and deadlines, and from my internal stirrings there is a gnosis of an era ending.
What will come next, I honestly don't know. Perhaps I should consume more fear I tell myself, prepare for the great showdown, whatever that may be but I feel only stillness. My whole life was about fighting, whether that was for my life, my voice, my body or my freedom, and yet I bring to myself today only presence in this moment. There is nothing else.
I have held space for so many people over the years, listening to their wounds and navigating with them through their traumas. More so even longer for my own but the space I find myself in this now, is only love connected to everything and to nothing. The wind does not call my name anymore and those unsettled waters of chasing and doing have left my shores. My singing does not flow through me as it once did, nobody to save and absolutely nothing to prove.
Perhaps tomorrow this will all change, perhaps by then I may have transitioned from this world and I ask myself what would I have done different if I had longer? Perhaps more travel to see the other secrets of nature... to have made peace with and forged a relationship with my body sooner... to have made love more and asked for more cunnilingus... and most of all I would have liked to have found my trust in the universe sooner, so that I could have relaxed more instead of trying to prove myself and be seen in the eyes of God.
As I feel into my own presence, I sense a deep satisfaction. I have prayed for this my whole life. I am so full of myself today, not a piece missing, true wholeness, a completeness. And I am grateful. This feeling I know will not last, as all feelings are fleeting but I honour its beauty and its grace, in gratitude it found me and therefore flows through me. Perhaps as it radiates out you will taste a glimmer, and may it fall about your own being.
Many changes are occurring now, both inside and out and I recognise some of my work through plant medicines and through manifesting are being birthed now. Most of all I recognise that throughout all of my life I have been in a constant state of birthing myself over and over. I have shared in my writings and presence always about loving and healing oneself, about being a voice for the inner child within. I always knew that we are all wounded or abandoned children, and I felt that as both from my archetype as a mother and as a child. I see how we have all been raised by a tyrant father figure in our consciousness which castrates males and demonises females. Our society is calling out for the milk of the eternal mother, we have been starved of love and of peace and our soul calls out for this everlasting nourishment.
I write this today to connect from my place of truth, and perhaps that doesn't look like yours... I see you brother, I see you sister. Yet perhaps my truth resonates with yours, and if it does do you feel that, we're interconnecting and that is the beauty of our humanity.
When I was a little girl I wished that either death would take me or that someone would come save me; I never would have imagined it would be my future self reaching out across to her frozen in fear through the quantum field.
This world doesn't teach little girls to savagely protect their wild selves, instead it teaches them to be polite, to not disturb others and to relinquish their personal sovereign power away, usually to a prince or a knight illusion.
I grew up in an impoverished household of domestic violence surrounded by dangerous alcoholics, with 'parental figures' who either spoke with their fists or their screaming voices. I was treated no better than a dog on a chain and when my nose bled crimson or my eyes turned black, I preferred to turn to my step father who was sexually assaulting me from the age of six because I learned at least there I would find some sort of fucked up comfort.
How I turned into some sort of a functioning adult and not some rabid wild animal possibly boils down to survival of the fittest, not of the body but of the mind, and that is what I call resilience. It was my mind I used back then and my feminine wiles to survive but my body I felt so far removed from its sovereign power that I only knew it in its identity as a sexual bargaining object.
My story is not unique, in fact all of us have shared trauma in some way, there are many horrors that have been inherited into families and societies and still wars rage across the planet, whether that be physical or of the mind. Yet the war against the feminine aspect of humanity is what touches me the most, it's been threaded through my life's purpose and my soul's consciousness and always moved me to rebirth unity throughout my work.
Healing can take a lifetime of dedicated commitment, it's certainly not linear and often revisits with a bite on the backside. I began my own journey after a failed suicide attempt in 2004, waking up in a psychiatric ward wondering what devilish humour God must have to keep me suffering in this world. Then it came, a moment of peace followed by the thought, if I had survived then maybe it was to help others.
It was a revelation and something certainly never considered before. The new thought kept me company and seemingly brought me into a state of flow as my life began a series of miraculous unfolding. It seeded a purposeful mission, one which still holds true within me today.
I was to restructure the blueprint of my life, through my own grit and determination, forged from fire and risen out of ashes; my rebirth was not some flash from an atomic tsunami but it fell in tune with the patience of nature, slow and cyclical. Becoming a resurrected woman has taken cellular reconstruction and a determination that cannot be given to you but must be born through you.
Since the suffragette movement, the women's empowerment revolution swept the modern world and is prevalent in todays society. Fundamentally what we seek are equal rights, not to be harmed and the remembering that we are not a man's property. Fuck! As if these topics still need fighting for but sadly they do.
My own cultivation of self empowerment began with a softening and a mental reconditioning. A melting into feminine energy, what it means to be a feminine woman, whereby I could radiate my love and my nurturing ways. Any woman will tell you that THIS is what the world needs, and any man who has the capacity to sink into the truth of his bones inherently knows the truth of this too and that the world needs a woman's touch.
Over one million, three hundred thousand women in the UK suffered domestic violence last year and every year there is a rise in numbers of women being murdered and raped. Let's not forget genital mutilation, forced marriages and human trafficking. I wish I was making these figures up but these are the facts that no amount of love and light will melt away. And yet who are picking up the pieces? Women and those who love them.
I have been blessed to travel these ancient and modern wounds with women, called on the Goddess and proudly, unashamedly and proactively plunged into the warmth and pleasure aspects of the ways of woman and as much as I adore and revere this work, we are also not just a piece of pussy or are we our womb spaces.
We have been taught to be independent women, to create the life of our dreams but if we call ourselves goddesses and priestesses then we must remember that we are more than lovers, mothers and creators, we are warrior queen women- whom if and when the time comes, will not need protecting by another because we are whole and complete with balanced masculine and feminine energies and we got this, ALL of it.
We gotta come home to the power of our bodies, not just our sexual and creation powers but the power that calls on Boudicca and Joan of Arc, Kali and Athena, the sane power that writes stories such as Wonder Woman and the Amazonian women and remember that we are not powerless but we are everything.
Shame kept me locked in my body, fear memories etched through my skin, I cant begin to tell you how long I ran from her, refused to acknowledge what she was holding onto. My beloved is a self protection instructor and with his help I began to release the stuck memories through that quantum field. Yes I had spent years in therapy working in mental health, becoming a psychotherapist myself, yes I had worked with plant medicines merging with goddess consciousness and birthing the power of my feminine self but nothing prepared me for the physical purging out of the cellular memory of standing up for my lost little girl, kicking, yelling and screaming like a wild banshee woman wrestling my inner demons until I claimed myself in my wholeness.
Our body IS the Akashic record, it holds the universal consciousness within. It is the key to our peace and shame has no place to reside within. I spent a lifetime with my body in stagnation filled with distractions of my ideas of beauty and self love. True self love means facing your fears wherever they're hiding, fear has a lot to teach us in claiming our sovereignty.
So standing tall side by side with our conscious loving brothers is a choice we can make. I don't know what the future looks like but I decided that this life is for living and this land is our home.
Happy internationals women's day, tag a woman who needs to read this story
𝑨𝒔 𝒕𝒉𝒆 𝒑𝒖𝒑𝒑𝒆𝒕𝒆𝒆𝒓𝒔 𝒆𝒙𝒊𝒕, 𝒊𝒏 𝒆𝒏𝒕𝒆𝒓𝒔 𝒕𝒉𝒆 𝒆𝒕𝒆𝒓𝒏𝒂𝒍 𝒍𝒐𝒗𝒆𝒓 𝒓𝒂𝒅𝒊𝒂𝒕𝒊𝒏𝒈 𝒍𝒐𝒗𝒆, 𝒃𝒆𝒂𝒖𝒕𝒚 𝒂𝒏𝒅 𝒑𝒐𝒆𝒕𝒓𝒚. 𝑺𝒉𝒆 𝒊𝒔 𝒂 𝒄𝒐𝒔𝒎𝒊𝒄 𝒅𝒂𝒏𝒄𝒆𝒓, 𝒆𝒎𝒃𝒐𝒅𝒊𝒆𝒅 𝒇𝒖𝒍𝒍𝒚 𝒊𝒏 𝒉𝒆𝒓 𝒎𝒚𝒔𝒕𝒆𝒓𝒚. 𝑾𝒊𝒕𝒉 𝒆𝒗𝒆𝒓𝒚 𝒔𝒕𝒆𝒑 𝒔𝒉𝒆 𝒂𝒏𝒄𝒉𝒐𝒓𝒔 𝒕𝒉𝒆 𝒏𝒆𝒘 𝒄𝒐𝒅𝒆𝒔 𝒐𝒇 𝒉𝒖𝒎𝒂𝒏𝒊𝒕𝒚, 𝒂𝒏𝒅 𝒘𝒊𝒕𝒉 𝒄𝒐𝒎𝒑𝒍𝒆𝒕𝒆 𝒂𝒏𝒅 𝒖𝒕𝒕𝒆𝒓 𝒕𝒓𝒖𝒔𝒕 𝒊𝒏 𝒉𝒆𝒓𝒔𝒆𝒍𝒇 𝒔𝒉𝒆 𝒇𝒖𝒍𝒍𝒚 𝒔𝒖𝒓𝒓𝒆𝒏𝒅𝒆𝒓𝒔 𝒕𝒐 𝒕𝒉𝒆 𝒊𝒏𝒕𝒆𝒍𝒍𝒊𝒈𝒆𝒏𝒄𝒆 𝒐𝒓 𝒉𝒆𝒓 𝒃𝒐𝒅𝒚'𝒔 𝒄𝒐𝒏𝒔𝒄𝒊𝒐𝒖𝒔𝒏𝒆𝒔𝒔.
𝙏𝙪𝙧𝙣 𝙮𝙤𝙪𝙧 𝙫𝙞𝙨𝙞𝙤𝙣 𝙪𝙥𝙨𝙞𝙙𝙚 𝙙𝙤𝙬𝙣, for we're all in it together. We are all players of a divine show, all with our parts to play. We are born to play a role, be it an archetypal villain, hero or sage. All of our parts move in seen and unseen unison, every ACTion propels the soul and SETs the SCENE for the grand FINALE.
To know oneself as the eternal lover you will have been on a journey of wholeness, CAST under a spell incompleteness. It has been DRAMAtic has it not, the illusions of brokenness, of shame and of guilt. But no more!
Within this golden new age, the eternal lover does not look down on the sleepers and the 3D-ers but embraces them in her wonder, for they too are all part of the show - it's all perfection.
The eternal lover is YOU, I know you're reading this! Tag another eternal lover beloveds, we are on the role call! The time is NOW!
𝐖𝐡𝐞𝐧 𝐡𝐞𝐫 𝐛𝐞𝐚𝐮𝐭𝐲 𝐦𝐚𝐤𝐞𝐬 𝐲𝐨𝐮 𝐬𝐪𝐮𝐢𝐫𝐦
𝐀𝐧𝐝 𝐡𝐞𝐫 𝐞𝐦𝐛𝐨𝐝𝐢𝐞𝐝 𝐣𝐨𝐲 𝐨𝐟 𝐥𝐢𝐟𝐞 𝐦𝐚𝐤𝐞𝐬 𝐲𝐨𝐮 𝐭𝐮𝐫𝐧
𝐖𝐡𝐞𝐧 𝐡𝐞𝐫 𝐰𝐨𝐫𝐝𝐬 𝐩𝐫𝐨𝐯𝐨𝐤𝐞 𝐲𝐨𝐮
𝐀𝐧𝐝 𝐡𝐞𝐫 𝐬𝐞𝐧𝐬𝐮𝐚𝐥𝐢𝐭𝐲 𝐦𝐚𝐤𝐞𝐬 𝐲𝐨𝐮 𝐬𝐰𝐚𝐲
𝐑𝐞𝐦𝐞𝐦𝐛𝐞𝐫 𝐭𝐡𝐚𝐭 𝐭𝐡𝐞 𝐠𝐨𝐝𝐝𝐞𝐬𝐬 𝐡𝐚𝐬 𝐬𝐩𝐨𝐤𝐞𝐧
𝐒𝐡𝐞 𝐰𝐚𝐢𝐭𝐬 𝐟𝐨𝐫 𝐲𝐨𝐮 𝐭𝐨 𝐫𝐞𝐚𝐜𝐡 𝐢𝐧𝐬𝐢𝐝𝐞
𝐒𝐡𝐞 𝐰𝐢𝐥𝐥 𝐛𝐥𝐨𝐰 𝐚𝐰𝐚𝐲 𝐚𝐥𝐥 𝐭𝐡𝐚𝐭 𝐦𝐮𝐬𝐭 𝐛𝐞 𝐛𝐫𝐨𝐤𝐞𝐧
𝐅𝐨𝐫 𝐬𝐡𝐞 𝐛𝐫𝐞𝐚𝐭𝐡𝐞𝐬 𝐧𝐞𝐰 𝐥𝐢𝐟𝐞 𝐚𝐬 𝐲𝐨𝐮 𝐚𝐫𝐞 𝐚𝐰𝐨𝐤𝐞𝐧.
𝑾𝒆 𝒂𝒓𝒆 𝒕𝒉𝒆 𝑮𝑼𝑺𝑯𝑰𝑵𝑮 𝒕𝒊𝒅𝒆 𝒐𝒇 𝒄𝒉𝒂𝒏𝒈𝒆
In my lifetime I made an agreement to embody feminine sexual shame, my higher self so sure that I would transform and break this patterning for my ancestral line. In doing so I made a promise to show up, in the limelight and share what it means to walk the path of woman. In all her holiness, in all her beauty and in all her sovereignty.
I have been abused, I have been violated, I have been shamed. I have been a whore, a bitch and a prostitute. I have been a liar and I have been a sinner. I have created life in my womb and I have destroyed it. I have given my power away and I have had it forced from me. I have both forgotten myself and tried to take away my breath, had hands upon my mouth and neck and my voice stolen from me. I have had dark shame, sorrow and grief grow into the physical mass of my womb and heart. I have opened my legs out of both fear and disgust and had my feminine portal torn open and sewn up again.
Do you see sister? Are you resonating? The way of woman is not a path trodden lightly. We are not here to carry on with the traumas of our great grandmothers and our sisters who have been burnt at the stake. We are here to be the tide of change. We are the GUSHING tide of change!
I will SHAMELESSLY take a stand for the innocence of womankind, her sensual pleasurable feminine expression of a juicy life! I have walked my path of fire to show you there is light, there is healing and there is ecstasy.
Since 2005 I have blended my psychotherapy training with women's womb wisdom which has travelled through the hearts and consciousness of plants and mother consciousness. I make no apology for being both a psychotherapist and a Mystic. This is the path of the priestess and great goddesses, whom we all are embodied. I couldn't care less about being labelled but I do care about my sisters reclaiming their sexual innocence. 🙌🏻💓
If you feel touched by any of my posts and my words ring true for you, I have sessions both in person and online. Drop me a message if you feel the call of the shameless woman within.🙏🏻
Your craving for intimacy is your soul's yearning for deep oneness and unity with your own heart.
Perhaps this is the most precious gift of our beloveds, that they reflect to us the glimpse of our own heavenly sweetness, and we to them.
The physical acts of intimacy through lovemaking is merely a mirror of what you hold within.
Intimacy with another will always be unfulfilling or never quite as satisfying as we dreamed, where we are not in tune and meeting with our own needs by our self.
So how does one develop their greatest intimate self love affair for all eternity?
Intimacy could be considered as having four stages; intellectual, physical, emotional and experiencing.
Do you even know what makes your brain synapses light up? Did you know that your soul is the eternal student? Connect with your curiosity and delight in learning again.
Your body is made for touch, anoint it with oils and perfumes Take your body dancing, get that deep tissue massage you deserve and even rediscover self pleasure.
Speak with love to yourself, appreciate yourself and validate yourself. Lean on friends or therapists who can hold space as you clear out any emotional debris.
Bond with the universe, delight in new experiences. Take yourself on dates, discover nature, play in the unknown, travel, make art and be silly as an eternal child.
Do you see, hidden in plain sight 𝐼𝒩𝒯𝒪 𝑀𝐸 𝐼 𝒮𝐸𝐸 teases all lovers with the delightful game of coming home to the self.
How many deaths and rebirths have you had this year alone sisters? Hasn't it just been staggering? I've certainly lost count, and the whole number of deaths and rebirths my identity has had over four decades, well who knows.
What I have learnt though is that this is meant to be the way, and it is, always has and always will be: THE WAY OF WOMAN. Imagine we had this education as little girls, as teenagers and at any other time in our adult life. Imagine the freedoms this would grant to our hearts and our psyches remembering that we carry this gnosis within.
But we do sisters, as embodiments of the divine feminine we are here to cycle through life, forever unfolding, and forever revealing the notes of our signature, the perfume of our soul.
There is no unrest or despair in not having everything figured out, go easy sister for you are source creator infinitely blooming open and rapturous love is yours in THIS remembering.
True love awaits you, it takes self devotion to remember the truth of your soul.
Are you devoted to your self sister? What petal will you reveal today?