This past six months I let most things go, stopped creating, stopped singing, stopped connecting and channelling. My passion for my womb work simply fizzled, I didn't have much drive to seek out therapy clients and my connection to botanicals had all become meaningless and empty.
Since my last plant medicine ceremony last year, I came out of my own mould that I had feverently and proudly created for myself. It meant I have had to step into a place of nothingness, which I now know as the zero field.
The only hint of what I thought as 'me' is that I knew I could set an intention to write and it would flow.
As lockdown reached my life, I was initially relieved, it meant I could give myself some sort of peaceful permission to simply be. As if before that it couldn't possibly be allowed. We give ourselves so much mental hardship for not in some way contributing to the rat race, that the simple act of being is an act of rebellion in itself.
That's how I felt anyway, I scared myself sometimes if I'm being transparent. I was afraid I had unravelled so much of my identity that I didn't know who I was anymore. I tried labelling myself of all the things I thought of as important like psychotherapist, healer, mother, lover, womb keeper, public speaker. I tried to remember all the 'important' career stuff I had done like having my own advice show on TV given a TEDx Talk, giving lectures in universities, written articles for press and media and still it didn't make me happy. Or connected.
Conversations in my head completely sucked, honestly have you ever really tuned in? So much garbage in the collective airwaves recently, it's a challenge not to identify with it. Often I would laugh at myself, to think I was branded as a resilience expert and here I was falling apart into nothingness . I cried a lot but I didn't know what at half the time, I felt fragile and the big one was that I convinced myself I'd officially lost the plot.
The big cosmic joke in all of this, is going through a dark night of the soul and we can still be functioning and communicating at the same time . Humans, we are incredibly complex beings and I honour that within both you and in me . It makes if not, for a fascinating flashback when we eventually leave our bodies.
So a few months ago, my beloved and I hit a major brick wall in our relationship and after a couple weeks of deep introspection and communicating I revealed my biggest hearts desire was to create a future together, not just take each day as it comes. After almost four years of sacred relating and loving, I am now surrendering myself to him in a whole other way and have become his student.
To allow my love to take the lead in an area of my own self development takes a trust like no other, after all he is teaching me something that never would I ever imagine even breathing its energy in, is that of combatives and self protection. In essence I am REBIRTHING myself as sovereign queen, protector and warrior.
In the past I had always refused to even take part in by beloveds work as I was afraid of it. I didn't see myself as accessing this sort of fierceness, I was after all a peaceful person and was contributing to world peace through my love and compassion... My fierceness was in my heart and in my mind, what use was the physical aspect, I would wonder?
After the first session of learning how to groin kick, I lay on the floor and cried. To say it shook me deeply was an understatement. With each physical movement, old trauma energy which had been literally lying dormant in my muscle fibres were being released. I had a lot of memories come up to the surface from the violence of my childhood, I let the tears come and go and brought the old energy into my heart chakra to let it all be alchemised.
Since then my lessons have been in kicking, elbowing, kneeing, punching, eye gouging, and some weaponry. It's highly challenging and I've still got such a long way to go to be proficient in these skills and I honest to God hope I never have to use them in real life but its teaching me some incredible ways about the intelligence of the body, releasing trauma and reclaiming sovereignty.
My mind doesn't like me being a beginner, being a perfectionist means I deeply criticise myself about my body and my abilities but you know what, sometimes you just have to get over yourself. I was never taught lessons in the importance of protecting myself and my children, instead I was given the Disney narrative like most of us.
I'm changing that story now. Rebirthing an aspect of myself which was underdeveloped. I realise that labelling myself didn't resonate, how could it when I am all things becoming? My fire has been lit again and I am grateful .
Leave me a comment and let me know about your biggest re-birth!
As we purge this seemingly 'epidemic' from the planet, we will one by one all come to bear witness for another's sexual abuse story. It may be first, second or third hand but all of us are now affected, it is undeniable.
It may feel overwhelming or confusing. We may wish to deny its existence and bury our head in the proverbial sand but it is this action that has enabled this deeply embedded trauma to seep into our human psyche.
As a collective we stand on the threshold of our consciousness moving from an old distorted paradigm into a new one, which is our original bliss state of love. We cannot be and live in peace until our joint trauma has been processed.
We must share this burden as one, by taking responsibility for our collective recovery. How then can you as an individual, offer a safe space for another?
HONOUR THE PERSON
Commend their courage in coming forward. Lost voices can take decades to be heard and if a person is sharing with you, access gratitude that your presence is a healing container. Sharing is not always easy, and the person will undoubtedly feel vulnerable and that they're taking a risk in their share. They will have weighed up fears such as, "I won't be believed", "They'll think it's my fault" or "they'll think I'm disgusting and dirty". It is imperative that you let the person know you believe them, and do not share any of your own fears or beliefs at this stage.
REMOVE BLAME, DISSOLVE SHAME
Reassure the person that what happened was not their fault, no matter the circumstances. As children, abusive touch can feel pleasurable which is why shame can take root. Reassure the person that no, it doesn't matter what they were wearing, it doesn't matter their state of sobriety, it doesn't matter if a well-known tantric teacher confused them, it doesn't matter if they changed their mind; it's not a yes without competent consent. Mirror back to them their innate knowing of the betrayal against their innocence, it will help them to realign with their truth.
It's a practical step but their safety is of paramount concern. Ask if they are still at risk from the perpetrator? Are there any children who could be at risk? Here in the West we do not live in communities where villagers would gather round to hold space to both the injured and the persecutor, so if the answer is yes there is a responsibility to either report it to the police or offer practical assistance to remove the person away from the environment. This may seem daunting to you but in staying silent, you only enable the abuse to continue. The person sharing may have a resistance to these steps, open up the dialogue and see where it leads. It may become transparent that fear of reporting existing abuse would endanger the person. Know that police do handle these matters sensitively and procedures can be taken to offer safety. Please remember that you solely are not responsible for carrying this burden.
YOUR OWN SHARING COULD BE A SALVE
Where appropriate, if you yourself have been sexually assaulted in some way, then in your sharing of your own story; this can provide a healing salve. It is important to not let your sharing dominate the other person's, sometimes the exchange of "me too" can be enough. Take cues from the other person, are they in a place to hear you? Maybe they will ask you questions, gauge through the knowing of your heart what is appropriate.
Sometimes being heard is enough in that moment but what comes next? Sexual abuse healing is not as simple as opening up and the job is done. There are many layers that can be revealed over time and old memories long forgotten, may come up again and again. For now your responsibility is to be a sign post. Explore the future with the person, what would they like next? Can you help them any further? Do they need anything from you? What healing modalities are available? Remember not to assume but to ask the person. They may not know what steps feel right for them, it may be an overwhelming experience for them. Trust them by finding your own centre as that loving witness.
After the share in the coming weeks and months, the person may have gone 'silent' on you. This doesn't mean they've dealt with their revelations but it could mean they feel embarrassed in their vulnerability. You can be accountable by staying in touch on occasion, let them know you haven't abandoned them. Let them know they weren't too much for you.
Most of all, stay accountable to yourself. In witnessing an abuse story, you yourself may be deeply triggered or have your own explorations to delve into. It is important that you don't stuff it down and away from your consciousness, use it for a catalyst in the greatest change for yourself and for humanity.
When I was a little girl I wished that either death would take me or that someone would come save me; I never would have imagined it would be my future self reaching out across to her frozen in fear through the quantum field.
This world doesn't teach little girls to savagely protect their wild selves, instead it teaches them to be polite, to not disturb others and to relinquish their personal sovereign power away, usually to a prince or a knight illusion.
I grew up in an impoverished household of domestic violence surrounded by dangerous alcoholics, with 'parental figures' who either spoke with their fists or their screaming voices. I was treated no better than a dog on a chain and when my nose bled crimson or my eyes turned black, I preferred to turn to my step father who was sexually assaulting me from the age of six because I learned at least there I would find some sort of fucked up comfort.
How I turned into some sort of a functioning adult and not some rabid wild animal possibly boils down to survival of the fittest, not of the body but of the mind, and that is what I call resilience. It was my mind I used back then and my feminine wiles to survive but my body I felt so far removed from its sovereign power that I only knew it in its identity as a sexual bargaining object.
My story is not unique, in fact all of us have shared trauma in some way, there are many horrors that have been inherited into families and societies and still wars rage across the planet, whether that be physical or of the mind. Yet the war against the feminine aspect of humanity is what touches me the most, it's been threaded through my life's purpose and my soul's consciousness and always moved me to rebirth unity throughout my work.
Healing can take a lifetime of dedicated commitment, it's certainly not linear and often revisits with a bite on the backside. I began my own journey after a failed suicide attempt in 2004, waking up in a psychiatric ward wondering what devilish humour God must have to keep me suffering in this world. Then it came, a moment of peace followed by the thought, if I had survived then maybe it was to help others.
It was a revelation and something certainly never considered before. The new thought kept me company and seemingly brought me into a state of flow as my life began a series of miraculous unfolding. It seeded a purposeful mission, one which still holds true within me today.
I was to restructure the blueprint of my life, through my own grit and determination, forged from fire and risen out of ashes; my rebirth was not some flash from an atomic tsunami but it fell in tune with the patience of nature, slow and cyclical. Becoming a resurrected woman has taken cellular reconstruction and a determination that cannot be given to you but must be born through you.
Since the suffragette movement, the women's empowerment revolution swept the modern world and is prevalent in todays society. Fundamentally what we seek are equal rights, not to be harmed and the remembering that we are not a man's property. Fuck! As if these topics still need fighting for but sadly they do.
My own cultivation of self empowerment began with a softening and a mental reconditioning. A melting into feminine energy, what it means to be a feminine woman, whereby I could radiate my love and my nurturing ways. Any woman will tell you that THIS is what the world needs, and any man who has the capacity to sink into the truth of his bones inherently knows the truth of this too and that the world needs a woman's touch.
Over one million, three hundred thousand women in the UK suffered domestic violence last year and every year there is a rise in numbers of women being murdered and raped. Let's not forget genital mutilation, forced marriages and human trafficking. I wish I was making these figures up but these are the facts that no amount of love and light will melt away. And yet who are picking up the pieces? Women and those who love them.
I have been blessed to travel these ancient and modern wounds with women, called on the Goddess and proudly, unashamedly and proactively plunged into the warmth and pleasure aspects of the ways of woman and as much as I adore and revere this work, we are also not just a piece of pussy or are we our womb spaces.
We have been taught to be independent women, to create the life of our dreams but if we call ourselves goddesses and priestesses then we must remember that we are more than lovers, mothers and creators, we are warrior queen women- whom if and when the time comes, will not need protecting by another because we are whole and complete with balanced masculine and feminine energies and we got this, ALL of it.
We gotta come home to the power of our bodies, not just our sexual and creation powers but the power that calls on Boudicca and Joan of Arc, Kali and Athena, the sane power that writes stories such as Wonder Woman and the Amazonian women and remember that we are not powerless but we are everything.
Shame kept me locked in my body, fear memories etched through my skin, I cant begin to tell you how long I ran from her, refused to acknowledge what she was holding onto. My beloved is a self protection instructor and with his help I began to release the stuck memories through that quantum field. Yes I had spent years in therapy working in mental health, becoming a psychotherapist myself, yes I had worked with plant medicines merging with goddess consciousness and birthing the power of my feminine self but nothing prepared me for the physical purging out of the cellular memory of standing up for my lost little girl, kicking, yelling and screaming like a wild banshee woman wrestling my inner demons until I claimed myself in my wholeness.
Our body IS the Akashic record, it holds the universal consciousness within. It is the key to our peace and shame has no place to reside within. I spent a lifetime with my body in stagnation filled with distractions of my ideas of beauty and self love. True self love means facing your fears wherever they're hiding, fear has a lot to teach us in claiming our sovereignty.
So standing tall side by side with our conscious loving brothers is a choice we can make. I don't know what the future looks like but I decided that this life is for living and this land is our home.
Happy internationals women's day, tag a woman who needs to read this story
Your 𝒔𝒂𝒇𝒆 𝒕𝒐𝒖𝒄𝒉 reaches the memories of untold voices, it sends a wind of change lighting up dark dimmed spaces of words caught, shunned and shamed.
In a world that has been crying out for sexual healing, the most radical course of action is a 𝒔𝒐𝒇𝒕𝒆𝒏𝒊𝒏𝒈. A softening of being, of speaking, of listening and of touching.
Touch through the intent of love literally saves lives and it heals trauma memory at a cellular level. The body is a living archive and record keeper of not only your story but the entire bloodline which has gone before you.
As babies most of us were lain on our mothers breast, skin on skin, heart to heart synchronising to a portal of our human potential. We never lost this need, a human given which only the magic of touch could revitalise, as if it were air to breathe and water to drink.
Yes it is true that we have been tricked in many ways, mostly to feel ashamed about our bodies and to feel ashamed that dare we admit to need touch, to need the salve of this love.
For the love of all that is good, the greatest gift of self love, touch yourself, 𝒑𝒍𝒆𝒂𝒔𝒆. Move beyond the ideas of wrongdoings, you will only feel this peace when you honour your temple.
It has been a journey has it not beloveds? Maybe it feels there is a long way to go but somewhere you must start, touch yourself 𝒑𝒍𝒆𝒂𝒔𝒆. Ask your body with kindness what would feel right?
💫Trace your skin with your fingertips
💫Nuzzle parts of your body with your cheeks
💫Give butterfly kisses down your arms
💫Caress your scalp and stroke your hair
💫Use your palms to anoint those areas you would normally grab
Yes, touch yourself Touch yourself, 𝒑𝒍𝒆𝒂𝒔𝒆.
I'd love to hear your stories of touch beloveds, how has non sexual touch made a difference to your life?
𝐖𝐡𝐞𝐧 𝐡𝐞𝐫 𝐛𝐞𝐚𝐮𝐭𝐲 𝐦𝐚𝐤𝐞𝐬 𝐲𝐨𝐮 𝐬𝐪𝐮𝐢𝐫𝐦
𝐀𝐧𝐝 𝐡𝐞𝐫 𝐞𝐦𝐛𝐨𝐝𝐢𝐞𝐝 𝐣𝐨𝐲 𝐨𝐟 𝐥𝐢𝐟𝐞 𝐦𝐚𝐤𝐞𝐬 𝐲𝐨𝐮 𝐭𝐮𝐫𝐧
𝐖𝐡𝐞𝐧 𝐡𝐞𝐫 𝐰𝐨𝐫𝐝𝐬 𝐩𝐫𝐨𝐯𝐨𝐤𝐞 𝐲𝐨𝐮
𝐀𝐧𝐝 𝐡𝐞𝐫 𝐬𝐞𝐧𝐬𝐮𝐚𝐥𝐢𝐭𝐲 𝐦𝐚𝐤𝐞𝐬 𝐲𝐨𝐮 𝐬𝐰𝐚𝐲
𝐑𝐞𝐦𝐞𝐦𝐛𝐞𝐫 𝐭𝐡𝐚𝐭 𝐭𝐡𝐞 𝐠𝐨𝐝𝐝𝐞𝐬𝐬 𝐡𝐚𝐬 𝐬𝐩𝐨𝐤𝐞𝐧
𝐒𝐡𝐞 𝐰𝐚𝐢𝐭𝐬 𝐟𝐨𝐫 𝐲𝐨𝐮 𝐭𝐨 𝐫𝐞𝐚𝐜𝐡 𝐢𝐧𝐬𝐢𝐝𝐞
𝐒𝐡𝐞 𝐰𝐢𝐥𝐥 𝐛𝐥𝐨𝐰 𝐚𝐰𝐚𝐲 𝐚𝐥𝐥 𝐭𝐡𝐚𝐭 𝐦𝐮𝐬𝐭 𝐛𝐞 𝐛𝐫𝐨𝐤𝐞𝐧
𝐅𝐨𝐫 𝐬𝐡𝐞 𝐛𝐫𝐞𝐚𝐭𝐡𝐞𝐬 𝐧𝐞𝐰 𝐥𝐢𝐟𝐞 𝐚𝐬 𝐲𝐨𝐮 𝐚𝐫𝐞 𝐚𝐰𝐨𝐤𝐞𝐧.
𝑾𝒆 𝒂𝒓𝒆 𝒕𝒉𝒆 𝑮𝑼𝑺𝑯𝑰𝑵𝑮 𝒕𝒊𝒅𝒆 𝒐𝒇 𝒄𝒉𝒂𝒏𝒈𝒆
In my lifetime I made an agreement to embody feminine sexual shame, my higher self so sure that I would transform and break this patterning for my ancestral line. In doing so I made a promise to show up, in the limelight and share what it means to walk the path of woman. In all her holiness, in all her beauty and in all her sovereignty.
I have been abused, I have been violated, I have been shamed. I have been a whore, a bitch and a prostitute. I have been a liar and I have been a sinner. I have created life in my womb and I have destroyed it. I have given my power away and I have had it forced from me. I have both forgotten myself and tried to take away my breath, had hands upon my mouth and neck and my voice stolen from me. I have had dark shame, sorrow and grief grow into the physical mass of my womb and heart. I have opened my legs out of both fear and disgust and had my feminine portal torn open and sewn up again.
Do you see sister? Are you resonating? The way of woman is not a path trodden lightly. We are not here to carry on with the traumas of our great grandmothers and our sisters who have been burnt at the stake. We are here to be the tide of change. We are the GUSHING tide of change!
I will SHAMELESSLY take a stand for the innocence of womankind, her sensual pleasurable feminine expression of a juicy life! I have walked my path of fire to show you there is light, there is healing and there is ecstasy.
Since 2005 I have blended my psychotherapy training with women's womb wisdom which has travelled through the hearts and consciousness of plants and mother consciousness. I make no apology for being both a psychotherapist and a Mystic. This is the path of the priestess and great goddesses, whom we all are embodied. I couldn't care less about being labelled but I do care about my sisters reclaiming their sexual innocence. 🙌🏻💓
If you feel touched by any of my posts and my words ring true for you, I have sessions both in person and online. Drop me a message if you feel the call of the shameless woman within.🙏🏻
The most frequent question I get asked by men on my emails is:
How can I be good enough for a woman?
Isn't it interesting that in these times of so called advanced and spiritual communities that real good men who want to connect to a partner by making love, is not enough if it isn't labelled tantric?
What I've established in the last decade alone is that women want to be 'fucked open' to God by being ravished and profoundly penetrated by a worthy man, who has done the work on himself, transmuted his traumas, is deeply sensitive, generously giving, will listen emphatically, hold space for her AND be her pillar, her rock and support system.
What exactly is this expectation? Explored deeper the underlying theme is the same, and that is that men and women still carry false 'incomplete' templates. It's really THAT simple BUT there is also a complexity and an 'a-ha' moment to be considered.
What exactly is happening in the lovers union of a spiritual partnership?
We are undoing millennia's of oppression and trauma through our deepest lovemaking but it's not just for the feminine, it's for the masculine too. Our source unified collective unconscious KNOWS our divinity and calls it out and upon our beloved.
In fact women demand their beloveds godly greatness, as usually she can see it long before he can. Only this often means he doesn't feel good enough or worthy enough for her. A part of her feels this too.
These feelings though are not necessarily our own but are to be observed as a dance with the beloved.
What can be done to remove this shaming? What can a woman do to remove this conditioning?
1. You must be your OWN primary lover. If you believe another will complete you then you will forever be searching.
2. You must do the inner work of healing the masculine energy within you. What does 'he' feel like, look like? What does his wisdom have to say which will support you?
3. Work with you perceived needs. Allow whatever shape they form to be explored, what do they have to teach you? Are they nudging you to your wholeness?
The way of woman is calling you home sister, will you answer?
We really are here dreamed awake through love to manifest in the playground of abundance, so what do YOU dream awake, love?
When today's #selfloveweek email came through with the simple question "What do you dream of making your reality?" I have been hesitant to answer it all day!
Through all the inner work I have done, the therapy and the plant medicine ceremonies the question keeps coming up, what do you choose?
It's been a baffling question, and that in itself sounds bizarre. It means I get to make decisions, it means I AM FREE to have anything I desire.
I've had to step into the KNOWING that all things are possible, not just wishing for it or believing in it but ingrained knowing.
I've literally just taken the first step forward! It feels odd actually but I bow down to all my experiences, my woundings, my conditioning- thank you for pushing me on the path of my sovereignty, my birth rite!
So I choose
💕 to show up exactly as I am, exactly where I am
💕 to always walk the path of innocence
💕 to declare now and always that we are shameless
💕 wealth and abundance in all things that I create and touch
💕 to honour my voice and sing in the songs of love and truth
💕 to always remember I gave everything I need and therefore can have fun in playing with my desires
This will be my new reality, what about you loves?
Grandmother Ayahuasca took my hand last week and we peeled off the layers of my skin and unfolded it like a map of the universe.
She showed me how when we incarnate, our body moulds itself to the conditioning of not only our environment and culture but also it moulds itself to the promise of the work that we would do on this plane.
I enquired more and saw how when we have pain in our bones and when we have trauma etched in our skin, it is not ours to keep and as we work on our bodies, we are in fact in great service to the oneness of humanity.
The extraordinariness of our temples gave me fresh eyes. Within us we have the power to mould our bodies under the eyes of love, for we are love.
Our bodies are our first and last connection to this Earth. Our bodies are loyal AF! Continuing to show up day after day, even if all you can do is crawl, even if you can not move, the consciousness of our bodies continually wants to serve us.
I'm 40 next year and this is the first time in my life I am genuinely curious, from a place that's for me, at what fitness could look like, at what bountiful health could become. I want to love and accept all of me from the top of my head to the tips of my toes.
My beloved has always reflected this message back to me but I was too stubborn to see, still wounded that after all traumas and hardships that I needed to rest. Now I see and it's very humbling because moving my body in a way that my body actually needs is a new concept and I admit I'm sore at being a beginner!
I don't always accept the stories of my body but I do love my body and it is my intention to fall more and more in love with it for the rest of my life. I love my body's womanliness, my narrow waist and big breasts. I love that I created life with this body. I love to make love in this body, I love its sensuality, I love my body's strength to carry on even when my mind has given up.
I love that my body is healthy enough to bleed every cycle and remind me that I AM WOMAN.