This past six months I let most things go, stopped creating, stopped singing, stopped connecting and channelling. My passion for my womb work simply fizzled, I didn't have much drive to seek out therapy clients and my connection to botanicals had all become meaningless and empty.
Since my last plant medicine ceremony last year, I came out of my own mould that I had feverently and proudly created for myself. It meant I have had to step into a place of nothingness, which I now know as the zero field.
The only hint of what I thought as 'me' is that I knew I could set an intention to write and it would flow.
As lockdown reached my life, I was initially relieved, it meant I could give myself some sort of peaceful permission to simply be. As if before that it couldn't possibly be allowed. We give ourselves so much mental hardship for not in some way contributing to the rat race, that the simple act of being is an act of rebellion in itself.
That's how I felt anyway, I scared myself sometimes if I'm being transparent. I was afraid I had unravelled so much of my identity that I didn't know who I was anymore. I tried labelling myself of all the things I thought of as important like psychotherapist, healer, mother, lover, womb keeper, public speaker. I tried to remember all the 'important' career stuff I had done like having my own advice show on TV given a TEDx Talk, giving lectures in universities, written articles for press and media and still it didn't make me happy. Or connected.
Conversations in my head completely sucked, honestly have you ever really tuned in? So much garbage in the collective airwaves recently, it's a challenge not to identify with it. Often I would laugh at myself, to think I was branded as a resilience expert and here I was falling apart into nothingness . I cried a lot but I didn't know what at half the time, I felt fragile and the big one was that I convinced myself I'd officially lost the plot.
The big cosmic joke in all of this, is going through a dark night of the soul and we can still be functioning and communicating at the same time . Humans, we are incredibly complex beings and I honour that within both you and in me . It makes if not, for a fascinating flashback when we eventually leave our bodies.
So a few months ago, my beloved and I hit a major brick wall in our relationship and after a couple weeks of deep introspection and communicating I revealed my biggest hearts desire was to create a future together, not just take each day as it comes. After almost four years of sacred relating and loving, I am now surrendering myself to him in a whole other way and have become his student.
To allow my love to take the lead in an area of my own self development takes a trust like no other, after all he is teaching me something that never would I ever imagine even breathing its energy in, is that of combatives and self protection. In essence I am REBIRTHING myself as sovereign queen, protector and warrior.
In the past I had always refused to even take part in by beloveds work as I was afraid of it. I didn't see myself as accessing this sort of fierceness, I was after all a peaceful person and was contributing to world peace through my love and compassion... My fierceness was in my heart and in my mind, what use was the physical aspect, I would wonder?
After the first session of learning how to groin kick, I lay on the floor and cried. To say it shook me deeply was an understatement. With each physical movement, old trauma energy which had been literally lying dormant in my muscle fibres were being released. I had a lot of memories come up to the surface from the violence of my childhood, I let the tears come and go and brought the old energy into my heart chakra to let it all be alchemised.
Since then my lessons have been in kicking, elbowing, kneeing, punching, eye gouging, and some weaponry. It's highly challenging and I've still got such a long way to go to be proficient in these skills and I honest to God hope I never have to use them in real life but its teaching me some incredible ways about the intelligence of the body, releasing trauma and reclaiming sovereignty.
My mind doesn't like me being a beginner, being a perfectionist means I deeply criticise myself about my body and my abilities but you know what, sometimes you just have to get over yourself. I was never taught lessons in the importance of protecting myself and my children, instead I was given the Disney narrative like most of us.
I'm changing that story now. Rebirthing an aspect of myself which was underdeveloped. I realise that labelling myself didn't resonate, how could it when I am all things becoming? My fire has been lit again and I am grateful .
Leave me a comment and let me know about your biggest re-birth!
Everybody be waiting for Jesus or some man god to show up and save them, I say we're waiting for WOMEN to remember themselves, to own their feelings, to share their voices; so we can collectively birth heaven on earth through all the landscapes of our bodies, breathing life back into creation.
Society forgot that this land is our mother, and instead the patriarchal forefathers taught us to shame and torture her, rape and gag her and even when she bled she was ostracized and when she cried was cast out and made a sinner for her existence.
You think She is dead, got burnt at the stake. You believe the feminine aspect was crucified by the church, that's why you refuse to look at her although she is beating within you. She is not here to punish you like the phallic jealous gods of man but she will let you FEEL, and feel it all.
She is here to remind you that she is EVERYTHING and will flash her vulva like a middle finger in your face and will slay the beast of ignorance and hatred with her very teeth. I tell you that She is pregnant with life and she is in labour now. How she will birth depends on how she surrenders to her nature, her flow and her force.
The feminine principle is our RESURRECTION and she does not look like the sweet natured, soft spoken little girls that were taught to be valued had to serve her whole soul on a plate, forsaking herself and her birth right. Instead she is calling you out on your shit, letting herself be seen in all her shapes and guises. You call her crazy but who the fuck else has the power to weep and embody the pain of the world?
She does. When it seems like it's the end of the world, she is asking you to first rest so you can get in your hearts and be with your families, safe in your homes. She is preparing you now to see clearly even though you are being presented with illusion. Do you remember how?
Her tenderness and her tears are another manifestation of her strength and she remembers her wildness in giving birth to her own holiness. Her own body, created you through the magic of her blood, fed and nourished you through the milk of her breast and as an adult you crave to return home to the safety of her. When will this war on Her end? Only you can remove the bondages of your own slavery, let your eyes see that we are all ONE.
How many deaths and rebirths have you had this year alone sisters? Hasn't it just been staggering? I've certainly lost count, and the whole number of deaths and rebirths my identity has had over four decades, well who knows.
What I have learnt though is that this is meant to be the way, and it is, always has and always will be: THE WAY OF WOMAN. Imagine we had this education as little girls, as teenagers and at any other time in our adult life. Imagine the freedoms this would grant to our hearts and our psyches remembering that we carry this gnosis within.
But we do sisters, as embodiments of the divine feminine we are here to cycle through life, forever unfolding, and forever revealing the notes of our signature, the perfume of our soul.
There is no unrest or despair in not having everything figured out, go easy sister for you are source creator infinitely blooming open and rapturous love is yours in THIS remembering.
True love awaits you, it takes self devotion to remember the truth of your soul.
Are you devoted to your self sister? What petal will you reveal today?