As I sit at my kitchen table drinking tea, I can hear the dusk choir of birds, the squeak of springs as my son jumps on the trampoline. The dishwasher is on its repetitive cycle and dinner is in the oven, my daughter is upstairs on the phone to a friend and I feel a gentle wind coming through the window. I feel so much peace in these days, lockdown has made my family unit stronger, it has brought us gentleness and relief. I don't miss for one moment school runs and deadlines, and from my internal stirrings there is a gnosis of an era ending.
What will come next, I honestly don't know. Perhaps I should consume more fear I tell myself, prepare for the great showdown, whatever that may be but I feel only stillness. My whole life was about fighting, whether that was for my life, my voice, my body or my freedom, and yet I bring to myself today only presence in this moment. There is nothing else.
I have held space for so many people over the years, listening to their wounds and navigating with them through their traumas. More so even longer for my own but the space I find myself in this now, is only love connected to everything and to nothing. The wind does not call my name anymore and those unsettled waters of chasing and doing have left my shores. My singing does not flow through me as it once did, nobody to save and absolutely nothing to prove.
Perhaps tomorrow this will all change, perhaps by then I may have transitioned from this world and I ask myself what would I have done different if I had longer? Perhaps more travel to see the other secrets of nature... to have made peace with and forged a relationship with my body sooner... to have made love more and asked for more cunnilingus... and most of all I would have liked to have found my trust in the universe sooner, so that I could have relaxed more instead of trying to prove myself and be seen in the eyes of God.
As I feel into my own presence, I sense a deep satisfaction. I have prayed for this my whole life. I am so full of myself today, not a piece missing, true wholeness, a completeness. And I am grateful. This feeling I know will not last, as all feelings are fleeting but I honour its beauty and its grace, in gratitude it found me and therefore flows through me. Perhaps as it radiates out you will taste a glimmer, and may it fall about your own being.
Many changes are occurring now, both inside and out and I recognise some of my work through plant medicines and through manifesting are being birthed now. Most of all I recognise that throughout all of my life I have been in a constant state of birthing myself over and over. I have shared in my writings and presence always about loving and healing oneself, about being a voice for the inner child within. I always knew that we are all wounded or abandoned children, and I felt that as both from my archetype as a mother and as a child. I see how we have all been raised by a tyrant father figure in our consciousness which castrates males and demonises females. Our society is calling out for the milk of the eternal mother, we have been starved of love and of peace and our soul calls out for this everlasting nourishment.
I write this today to connect from my place of truth, and perhaps that doesn't look like yours... I see you brother, I see you sister. Yet perhaps my truth resonates with yours, and if it does do you feel that, we're interconnecting and that is the beauty of our humanity.
When I was a little girl I wished that either death would take me or that someone would come save me; I never would have imagined it would be my future self reaching out across to her frozen in fear through the quantum field.
This world doesn't teach little girls to savagely protect their wild selves, instead it teaches them to be polite, to not disturb others and to relinquish their personal sovereign power away, usually to a prince or a knight illusion.
I grew up in an impoverished household of domestic violence surrounded by dangerous alcoholics, with 'parental figures' who either spoke with their fists or their screaming voices. I was treated no better than a dog on a chain and when my nose bled crimson or my eyes turned black, I preferred to turn to my step father who was sexually assaulting me from the age of six because I learned at least there I would find some sort of fucked up comfort.
How I turned into some sort of a functioning adult and not some rabid wild animal possibly boils down to survival of the fittest, not of the body but of the mind, and that is what I call resilience. It was my mind I used back then and my feminine wiles to survive but my body I felt so far removed from its sovereign power that I only knew it in its identity as a sexual bargaining object.
My story is not unique, in fact all of us have shared trauma in some way, there are many horrors that have been inherited into families and societies and still wars rage across the planet, whether that be physical or of the mind. Yet the war against the feminine aspect of humanity is what touches me the most, it's been threaded through my life's purpose and my soul's consciousness and always moved me to rebirth unity throughout my work.
Healing can take a lifetime of dedicated commitment, it's certainly not linear and often revisits with a bite on the backside. I began my own journey after a failed suicide attempt in 2004, waking up in a psychiatric ward wondering what devilish humour God must have to keep me suffering in this world. Then it came, a moment of peace followed by the thought, if I had survived then maybe it was to help others.
It was a revelation and something certainly never considered before. The new thought kept me company and seemingly brought me into a state of flow as my life began a series of miraculous unfolding. It seeded a purposeful mission, one which still holds true within me today.
I was to restructure the blueprint of my life, through my own grit and determination, forged from fire and risen out of ashes; my rebirth was not some flash from an atomic tsunami but it fell in tune with the patience of nature, slow and cyclical. Becoming a resurrected woman has taken cellular reconstruction and a determination that cannot be given to you but must be born through you.
Since the suffragette movement, the women's empowerment revolution swept the modern world and is prevalent in todays society. Fundamentally what we seek are equal rights, not to be harmed and the remembering that we are not a man's property. Fuck! As if these topics still need fighting for but sadly they do.
My own cultivation of self empowerment began with a softening and a mental reconditioning. A melting into feminine energy, what it means to be a feminine woman, whereby I could radiate my love and my nurturing ways. Any woman will tell you that THIS is what the world needs, and any man who has the capacity to sink into the truth of his bones inherently knows the truth of this too and that the world needs a woman's touch.
Over one million, three hundred thousand women in the UK suffered domestic violence last year and every year there is a rise in numbers of women being murdered and raped. Let's not forget genital mutilation, forced marriages and human trafficking. I wish I was making these figures up but these are the facts that no amount of love and light will melt away. And yet who are picking up the pieces? Women and those who love them.
I have been blessed to travel these ancient and modern wounds with women, called on the Goddess and proudly, unashamedly and proactively plunged into the warmth and pleasure aspects of the ways of woman and as much as I adore and revere this work, we are also not just a piece of pussy or are we our womb spaces.
We have been taught to be independent women, to create the life of our dreams but if we call ourselves goddesses and priestesses then we must remember that we are more than lovers, mothers and creators, we are warrior queen women- whom if and when the time comes, will not need protecting by another because we are whole and complete with balanced masculine and feminine energies and we got this, ALL of it.
We gotta come home to the power of our bodies, not just our sexual and creation powers but the power that calls on Boudicca and Joan of Arc, Kali and Athena, the sane power that writes stories such as Wonder Woman and the Amazonian women and remember that we are not powerless but we are everything.
Shame kept me locked in my body, fear memories etched through my skin, I cant begin to tell you how long I ran from her, refused to acknowledge what she was holding onto. My beloved is a self protection instructor and with his help I began to release the stuck memories through that quantum field. Yes I had spent years in therapy working in mental health, becoming a psychotherapist myself, yes I had worked with plant medicines merging with goddess consciousness and birthing the power of my feminine self but nothing prepared me for the physical purging out of the cellular memory of standing up for my lost little girl, kicking, yelling and screaming like a wild banshee woman wrestling my inner demons until I claimed myself in my wholeness.
Our body IS the Akashic record, it holds the universal consciousness within. It is the key to our peace and shame has no place to reside within. I spent a lifetime with my body in stagnation filled with distractions of my ideas of beauty and self love. True self love means facing your fears wherever they're hiding, fear has a lot to teach us in claiming our sovereignty.
So standing tall side by side with our conscious loving brothers is a choice we can make. I don't know what the future looks like but I decided that this life is for living and this land is our home.
Happy internationals women's day, tag a woman who needs to read this story
It was like a billion stars warp speeding their way through me and I arrived somewhere, a nowhere except for a place of a beat.
Stretching out fully with my inner sight, the beat sounded familiar and I brought my full attention to its rhythm; I realised we were one and I was in the heart of Mother Earth.
She/I were the centre of the whole universe, the heart of all matter seen and unseen. There was no fear, just love and an evolving gnosis to experience herself through me an all her children.
The vision panned out and I felt myself growing with her, up higher until I could see her as an infinite tree and her canopy was glowing with optic-like fireflies of whom all were souls in this quantum reality of life.
There was only peace and a settling on my soul fell about me, remembering my breath to breathe I with her in this oneness.
Returning to her heart, she let me know there was no separation, we became one until it filled my awareness so ultimately that I let go of my body completely.
The birds began an exquisite song, it was like the breaking dawn on the most beautiful summer day. I felt as though I were laying in grass with gentle warm winds kissing my aura.
I heard my name being called, I knew it was the Grandmothers calling me home. There was no rush to greet them, all was well and everything in place. I didn't want to move as the birds codes filled me with grace.
I arrived back in my bed to an early morning chorus with the knowing of home is all about us