When I was a little girl I wished that either death would take me or that someone would come save me; I never would have imagined it would be my future self reaching out across to her frozen in fear through the quantum field.
This world doesn't teach little girls to savagely protect their wild selves, instead it teaches them to be polite, to not disturb others and to relinquish their personal sovereign power away, usually to a prince or a knight illusion.
I grew up in an impoverished household of domestic violence surrounded by dangerous alcoholics, with 'parental figures' who either spoke with their fists or their screaming voices. I was treated no better than a dog on a chain and when my nose bled crimson or my eyes turned black, I preferred to turn to my step father who was sexually assaulting me from the age of six because I learned at least there I would find some sort of fucked up comfort.
How I turned into some sort of a functioning adult and not some rabid wild animal possibly boils down to survival of the fittest, not of the body but of the mind, and that is what I call resilience. It was my mind I used back then and my feminine wiles to survive but my body I felt so far removed from its sovereign power that I only knew it in its identity as a sexual bargaining object.
My story is not unique, in fact all of us have shared trauma in some way, there are many horrors that have been inherited into families and societies and still wars rage across the planet, whether that be physical or of the mind. Yet the war against the feminine aspect of humanity is what touches me the most, it's been threaded through my life's purpose and my soul's consciousness and always moved me to rebirth unity throughout my work.
Healing can take a lifetime of dedicated commitment, it's certainly not linear and often revisits with a bite on the backside. I began my own journey after a failed suicide attempt in 2004, waking up in a psychiatric ward wondering what devilish humour God must have to keep me suffering in this world. Then it came, a moment of peace followed by the thought, if I had survived then maybe it was to help others.
It was a revelation and something certainly never considered before. The new thought kept me company and seemingly brought me into a state of flow as my life began a series of miraculous unfolding. It seeded a purposeful mission, one which still holds true within me today.
I was to restructure the blueprint of my life, through my own grit and determination, forged from fire and risen out of ashes; my rebirth was not some flash from an atomic tsunami but it fell in tune with the patience of nature, slow and cyclical. Becoming a resurrected woman has taken cellular reconstruction and a determination that cannot be given to you but must be born through you.
Since the suffragette movement, the women's empowerment revolution swept the modern world and is prevalent in todays society. Fundamentally what we seek are equal rights, not to be harmed and the remembering that we are not a man's property. Fuck! As if these topics still need fighting for but sadly they do.
My own cultivation of self empowerment began with a softening and a mental reconditioning. A melting into feminine energy, what it means to be a feminine woman, whereby I could radiate my love and my nurturing ways. Any woman will tell you that THIS is what the world needs, and any man who has the capacity to sink into the truth of his bones inherently knows the truth of this too and that the world needs a woman's touch.
Over one million, three hundred thousand women in the UK suffered domestic violence last year and every year there is a rise in numbers of women being murdered and raped. Let's not forget genital mutilation, forced marriages and human trafficking. I wish I was making these figures up but these are the facts that no amount of love and light will melt away. And yet who are picking up the pieces? Women and those who love them.
I have been blessed to travel these ancient and modern wounds with women, called on the Goddess and proudly, unashamedly and proactively plunged into the warmth and pleasure aspects of the ways of woman and as much as I adore and revere this work, we are also not just a piece of pussy or are we our womb spaces.
We have been taught to be independent women, to create the life of our dreams but if we call ourselves goddesses and priestesses then we must remember that we are more than lovers, mothers and creators, we are warrior queen women- whom if and when the time comes, will not need protecting by another because we are whole and complete with balanced masculine and feminine energies and we got this, ALL of it.
We gotta come home to the power of our bodies, not just our sexual and creation powers but the power that calls on Boudicca and Joan of Arc, Kali and Athena, the sane power that writes stories such as Wonder Woman and the Amazonian women and remember that we are not powerless but we are everything.
Shame kept me locked in my body, fear memories etched through my skin, I cant begin to tell you how long I ran from her, refused to acknowledge what she was holding onto. My beloved is a self protection instructor and with his help I began to release the stuck memories through that quantum field. Yes I had spent years in therapy working in mental health, becoming a psychotherapist myself, yes I had worked with plant medicines merging with goddess consciousness and birthing the power of my feminine self but nothing prepared me for the physical purging out of the cellular memory of standing up for my lost little girl, kicking, yelling and screaming like a wild banshee woman wrestling my inner demons until I claimed myself in my wholeness.
Our body IS the Akashic record, it holds the universal consciousness within. It is the key to our peace and shame has no place to reside within. I spent a lifetime with my body in stagnation filled with distractions of my ideas of beauty and self love. True self love means facing your fears wherever they're hiding, fear has a lot to teach us in claiming our sovereignty.
So standing tall side by side with our conscious loving brothers is a choice we can make. I don't know what the future looks like but I decided that this life is for living and this land is our home.
Happy internationals women's day, tag a woman who needs to read this story
It was like a billion stars warp speeding their way through me and I arrived somewhere, a nowhere except for a place of a beat.
Stretching out fully with my inner sight, the beat sounded familiar and I brought my full attention to its rhythm; I realised we were one and I was in the heart of Mother Earth.
She/I were the centre of the whole universe, the heart of all matter seen and unseen. There was no fear, just love and an evolving gnosis to experience herself through me an all her children.
The vision panned out and I felt myself growing with her, up higher until I could see her as an infinite tree and her canopy was glowing with optic-like fireflies of whom all were souls in this quantum reality of life.
There was only peace and a settling on my soul fell about me, remembering my breath to breathe I with her in this oneness.
Returning to her heart, she let me know there was no separation, we became one until it filled my awareness so ultimately that I let go of my body completely.
The birds began an exquisite song, it was like the breaking dawn on the most beautiful summer day. I felt as though I were laying in grass with gentle warm winds kissing my aura.
I heard my name being called, I knew it was the Grandmothers calling me home. There was no rush to greet them, all was well and everything in place. I didn't want to move as the birds codes filled me with grace.
I arrived back in my bed to an early morning chorus with the knowing of home is all about us
Your 𝒔𝒂𝒇𝒆 𝒕𝒐𝒖𝒄𝒉 reaches the memories of untold voices, it sends a wind of change lighting up dark dimmed spaces of words caught, shunned and shamed.
In a world that has been crying out for sexual healing, the most radical course of action is a 𝒔𝒐𝒇𝒕𝒆𝒏𝒊𝒏𝒈. A softening of being, of speaking, of listening and of touching.
Touch through the intent of love literally saves lives and it heals trauma memory at a cellular level. The body is a living archive and record keeper of not only your story but the entire bloodline which has gone before you.
As babies most of us were lain on our mothers breast, skin on skin, heart to heart synchronising to a portal of our human potential. We never lost this need, a human given which only the magic of touch could revitalise, as if it were air to breathe and water to drink.
Yes it is true that we have been tricked in many ways, mostly to feel ashamed about our bodies and to feel ashamed that dare we admit to need touch, to need the salve of this love.
For the love of all that is good, the greatest gift of self love, touch yourself, 𝒑𝒍𝒆𝒂𝒔𝒆. Move beyond the ideas of wrongdoings, you will only feel this peace when you honour your temple.
It has been a journey has it not beloveds? Maybe it feels there is a long way to go but somewhere you must start, touch yourself 𝒑𝒍𝒆𝒂𝒔𝒆. Ask your body with kindness what would feel right?
💫Trace your skin with your fingertips
💫Nuzzle parts of your body with your cheeks
💫Give butterfly kisses down your arms
💫Caress your scalp and stroke your hair
💫Use your palms to anoint those areas you would normally grab
Yes, touch yourself Touch yourself, 𝒑𝒍𝒆𝒂𝒔𝒆.
I'd love to hear your stories of touch beloveds, how has non sexual touch made a difference to your life?
We are here to master and embody true Earth consciousness, as we awaken more to the remembering we are Her children, of Her matter, our sexual unions align not that of tantric and spiritual hierarchies and templates but that of the Eden intelligence where we birth the higher soul through our sacred stargate of physicality.
Ascension is the walk-in of our soul HERE, where we may leave our Temple only to travel through the stars to bring home our SELF. We have already began to collect all aspects of the soul, through all time streams, through space which is known and unknown. Get in your body brothers and sisters, anchor your roots into Golden Gaia for She is sending her codex upwards and the galactic sun sends his codex downwards (reverse of common teachings) where their marriage and alchemical fire union LIBERATES our dormant DNA.
Claiming our erotic innocence is the last barrier between the '3d self' and the sovereign self. There are so many teachings on the masculine and the feminine but all must be dropped. Spiritual hierarchies and twin flame illusions have created distortions and further shame templates. The union of the complete self is the Source self, this comes not of the union with the other but through the surrender of your heart; your heart is THE divine counterpart.
Grandmother Ayahuasca took my hand last week and we peeled off the layers of my skin and unfolded it like a map of the universe.
She showed me how when we incarnate, our body moulds itself to the conditioning of not only our environment and culture but also it moulds itself to the promise of the work that we would do on this plane.
I enquired more and saw how when we have pain in our bones and when we have trauma etched in our skin, it is not ours to keep and as we work on our bodies, we are in fact in great service to the oneness of humanity.
The extraordinariness of our temples gave me fresh eyes. Within us we have the power to mould our bodies under the eyes of love, for we are love.
Our bodies are our first and last connection to this Earth. Our bodies are loyal AF! Continuing to show up day after day, even if all you can do is crawl, even if you can not move, the consciousness of our bodies continually wants to serve us.
I'm 40 next year and this is the first time in my life I am genuinely curious, from a place that's for me, at what fitness could look like, at what bountiful health could become. I want to love and accept all of me from the top of my head to the tips of my toes.
My beloved has always reflected this message back to me but I was too stubborn to see, still wounded that after all traumas and hardships that I needed to rest. Now I see and it's very humbling because moving my body in a way that my body actually needs is a new concept and I admit I'm sore at being a beginner!
I don't always accept the stories of my body but I do love my body and it is my intention to fall more and more in love with it for the rest of my life. I love my body's womanliness, my narrow waist and big breasts. I love that I created life with this body. I love to make love in this body, I love its sensuality, I love my body's strength to carry on even when my mind has given up.
I love that my body is healthy enough to bleed every cycle and remind me that I AM WOMAN.