This past six months I let most things go, stopped creating, stopped singing, stopped connecting and channelling. My passion for my womb work simply fizzled, I didn't have much drive to seek out therapy clients and my connection to botanicals had all become meaningless and empty.
Since my last plant medicine ceremony last year, I came out of my own mould that I had feverently and proudly created for myself. It meant I have had to step into a place of nothingness, which I now know as the zero field.
The only hint of what I thought as 'me' is that I knew I could set an intention to write and it would flow.
As lockdown reached my life, I was initially relieved, it meant I could give myself some sort of peaceful permission to simply be. As if before that it couldn't possibly be allowed. We give ourselves so much mental hardship for not in some way contributing to the rat race, that the simple act of being is an act of rebellion in itself.
That's how I felt anyway, I scared myself sometimes if I'm being transparent. I was afraid I had unravelled so much of my identity that I didn't know who I was anymore. I tried labelling myself of all the things I thought of as important like psychotherapist, healer, mother, lover, womb keeper, public speaker. I tried to remember all the 'important' career stuff I had done like having my own advice show on TV given a TEDx Talk, giving lectures in universities, written articles for press and media and still it didn't make me happy. Or connected.
Conversations in my head completely sucked, honestly have you ever really tuned in? So much garbage in the collective airwaves recently, it's a challenge not to identify with it. Often I would laugh at myself, to think I was branded as a resilience expert and here I was falling apart into nothingness . I cried a lot but I didn't know what at half the time, I felt fragile and the big one was that I convinced myself I'd officially lost the plot.
The big cosmic joke in all of this, is going through a dark night of the soul and we can still be functioning and communicating at the same time . Humans, we are incredibly complex beings and I honour that within both you and in me . It makes if not, for a fascinating flashback when we eventually leave our bodies.
So a few months ago, my beloved and I hit a major brick wall in our relationship and after a couple weeks of deep introspection and communicating I revealed my biggest hearts desire was to create a future together, not just take each day as it comes. After almost four years of sacred relating and loving, I am now surrendering myself to him in a whole other way and have become his student.
To allow my love to take the lead in an area of my own self development takes a trust like no other, after all he is teaching me something that never would I ever imagine even breathing its energy in, is that of combatives and self protection. In essence I am REBIRTHING myself as sovereign queen, protector and warrior.
In the past I had always refused to even take part in by beloveds work as I was afraid of it. I didn't see myself as accessing this sort of fierceness, I was after all a peaceful person and was contributing to world peace through my love and compassion... My fierceness was in my heart and in my mind, what use was the physical aspect, I would wonder?
After the first session of learning how to groin kick, I lay on the floor and cried. To say it shook me deeply was an understatement. With each physical movement, old trauma energy which had been literally lying dormant in my muscle fibres were being released. I had a lot of memories come up to the surface from the violence of my childhood, I let the tears come and go and brought the old energy into my heart chakra to let it all be alchemised.
Since then my lessons have been in kicking, elbowing, kneeing, punching, eye gouging, and some weaponry. It's highly challenging and I've still got such a long way to go to be proficient in these skills and I honest to God hope I never have to use them in real life but its teaching me some incredible ways about the intelligence of the body, releasing trauma and reclaiming sovereignty.
My mind doesn't like me being a beginner, being a perfectionist means I deeply criticise myself about my body and my abilities but you know what, sometimes you just have to get over yourself. I was never taught lessons in the importance of protecting myself and my children, instead I was given the Disney narrative like most of us.
I'm changing that story now. Rebirthing an aspect of myself which was underdeveloped. I realise that labelling myself didn't resonate, how could it when I am all things becoming? My fire has been lit again and I am grateful .
Leave me a comment and let me know about your biggest re-birth!
Scratch the surface of your uneasiness, let the pinpricks of your discomfort leak into your consciousness. Dare to surrender to the flow of burning bitterness lit by fires of unforgotten feminine rage.
We are assembling now sister, awoken by the rancid seeds of our buried disgust. We can taste the putrid echoes of Earth's terror regurgitating in our gut. Our rage is a messenger of the furious voices unheard by the mothers and daughters of humanity
Silence has been seeping poison through our blood, our culture of the voiceless is crumbling into oblivion as we must dare to feel what was ushered into darkness. Our shadows have been set ablaze by repugnant truth, and we are burning.
This fire is here to transform all of existence, a holy transmutation for the birthing of a new world. Before the grace of forgiveness and compassion can embrace our collective distortion, we must realise and embrace one of the most misunderstood ways of woman; that of our fierceness.
Perhaps our fierceness and righteous rage are the only authentic path to our salvation and the purification of the eternal heart. It requires a revision of feminine sovereignty and a purging of our ambivalence of innate aggressive and authentic power.
We can no longer afford to lay down to the templates of feminine feebleness and helplessness; the energy of our courage must expand and be given space to move through us, to transcend the crushing expectations that have been put upon us, so that we may finally cultivate our primordalness.
Tangled in a web of misconceptions, women have been taught to fear their own naturalness, to suppress the authenticity and the justification of their rage. Even more so through the illusions of spiritual consensus of love and light.
Sisters, we are at the threshold of our liberation and our children's freedom. We must own every aspect of our psyche now, to realise the potential force for the great awakening . Rage, rage against the monstrosities and the violations of our Earth family.
We cannot live without our lives we have been agreeable for far too long. What message does your rage want to reveal to you? Let me know in the comments below!
As I sit at my kitchen table drinking tea, I can hear the dusk choir of birds, the squeak of springs as my son jumps on the trampoline. The dishwasher is on its repetitive cycle and dinner is in the oven, my daughter is upstairs on the phone to a friend and I feel a gentle wind coming through the window. I feel so much peace in these days, lockdown has made my family unit stronger, it has brought us gentleness and relief. I don't miss for one moment school runs and deadlines, and from my internal stirrings there is a gnosis of an era ending.
What will come next, I honestly don't know. Perhaps I should consume more fear I tell myself, prepare for the great showdown, whatever that may be but I feel only stillness. My whole life was about fighting, whether that was for my life, my voice, my body or my freedom, and yet I bring to myself today only presence in this moment. There is nothing else.
I have held space for so many people over the years, listening to their wounds and navigating with them through their traumas. More so even longer for my own but the space I find myself in this now, is only love connected to everything and to nothing. The wind does not call my name anymore and those unsettled waters of chasing and doing have left my shores. My singing does not flow through me as it once did, nobody to save and absolutely nothing to prove.
Perhaps tomorrow this will all change, perhaps by then I may have transitioned from this world and I ask myself what would I have done different if I had longer? Perhaps more travel to see the other secrets of nature... to have made peace with and forged a relationship with my body sooner... to have made love more and asked for more cunnilingus... and most of all I would have liked to have found my trust in the universe sooner, so that I could have relaxed more instead of trying to prove myself and be seen in the eyes of God.
As I feel into my own presence, I sense a deep satisfaction. I have prayed for this my whole life. I am so full of myself today, not a piece missing, true wholeness, a completeness. And I am grateful. This feeling I know will not last, as all feelings are fleeting but I honour its beauty and its grace, in gratitude it found me and therefore flows through me. Perhaps as it radiates out you will taste a glimmer, and may it fall about your own being.
Many changes are occurring now, both inside and out and I recognise some of my work through plant medicines and through manifesting are being birthed now. Most of all I recognise that throughout all of my life I have been in a constant state of birthing myself over and over. I have shared in my writings and presence always about loving and healing oneself, about being a voice for the inner child within. I always knew that we are all wounded or abandoned children, and I felt that as both from my archetype as a mother and as a child. I see how we have all been raised by a tyrant father figure in our consciousness which castrates males and demonises females. Our society is calling out for the milk of the eternal mother, we have been starved of love and of peace and our soul calls out for this everlasting nourishment.
I write this today to connect from my place of truth, and perhaps that doesn't look like yours... I see you brother, I see you sister. Yet perhaps my truth resonates with yours, and if it does do you feel that, we're interconnecting and that is the beauty of our humanity.
As we purge this seemingly 'epidemic' from the planet, we will one by one all come to bear witness for another's sexual abuse story. It may be first, second or third hand but all of us are now affected, it is undeniable.
It may feel overwhelming or confusing. We may wish to deny its existence and bury our head in the proverbial sand but it is this action that has enabled this deeply embedded trauma to seep into our human psyche.
As a collective we stand on the threshold of our consciousness moving from an old distorted paradigm into a new one, which is our original bliss state of love. We cannot be and live in peace until our joint trauma has been processed.
We must share this burden as one, by taking responsibility for our collective recovery. How then can you as an individual, offer a safe space for another?
HONOUR THE PERSON
Commend their courage in coming forward. Lost voices can take decades to be heard and if a person is sharing with you, access gratitude that your presence is a healing container. Sharing is not always easy, and the person will undoubtedly feel vulnerable and that they're taking a risk in their share. They will have weighed up fears such as, "I won't be believed", "They'll think it's my fault" or "they'll think I'm disgusting and dirty". It is imperative that you let the person know you believe them, and do not share any of your own fears or beliefs at this stage.
REMOVE BLAME, DISSOLVE SHAME
Reassure the person that what happened was not their fault, no matter the circumstances. As children, abusive touch can feel pleasurable which is why shame can take root. Reassure the person that no, it doesn't matter what they were wearing, it doesn't matter their state of sobriety, it doesn't matter if a well-known tantric teacher confused them, it doesn't matter if they changed their mind; it's not a yes without competent consent. Mirror back to them their innate knowing of the betrayal against their innocence, it will help them to realign with their truth.
It's a practical step but their safety is of paramount concern. Ask if they are still at risk from the perpetrator? Are there any children who could be at risk? Here in the West we do not live in communities where villagers would gather round to hold space to both the injured and the persecutor, so if the answer is yes there is a responsibility to either report it to the police or offer practical assistance to remove the person away from the environment. This may seem daunting to you but in staying silent, you only enable the abuse to continue. The person sharing may have a resistance to these steps, open up the dialogue and see where it leads. It may become transparent that fear of reporting existing abuse would endanger the person. Know that police do handle these matters sensitively and procedures can be taken to offer safety. Please remember that you solely are not responsible for carrying this burden.
YOUR OWN SHARING COULD BE A SALVE
Where appropriate, if you yourself have been sexually assaulted in some way, then in your sharing of your own story; this can provide a healing salve. It is important to not let your sharing dominate the other person's, sometimes the exchange of "me too" can be enough. Take cues from the other person, are they in a place to hear you? Maybe they will ask you questions, gauge through the knowing of your heart what is appropriate.
Sometimes being heard is enough in that moment but what comes next? Sexual abuse healing is not as simple as opening up and the job is done. There are many layers that can be revealed over time and old memories long forgotten, may come up again and again. For now your responsibility is to be a sign post. Explore the future with the person, what would they like next? Can you help them any further? Do they need anything from you? What healing modalities are available? Remember not to assume but to ask the person. They may not know what steps feel right for them, it may be an overwhelming experience for them. Trust them by finding your own centre as that loving witness.
After the share in the coming weeks and months, the person may have gone 'silent' on you. This doesn't mean they've dealt with their revelations but it could mean they feel embarrassed in their vulnerability. You can be accountable by staying in touch on occasion, let them know you haven't abandoned them. Let them know they weren't too much for you.
Most of all, stay accountable to yourself. In witnessing an abuse story, you yourself may be deeply triggered or have your own explorations to delve into. It is important that you don't stuff it down and away from your consciousness, use it for a catalyst in the greatest change for yourself and for humanity.
Everybody be waiting for Jesus or some man god to show up and save them, I say we're waiting for WOMEN to remember themselves, to own their feelings, to share their voices; so we can collectively birth heaven on earth through all the landscapes of our bodies, breathing life back into creation.
Society forgot that this land is our mother, and instead the patriarchal forefathers taught us to shame and torture her, rape and gag her and even when she bled she was ostracized and when she cried was cast out and made a sinner for her existence.
You think She is dead, got burnt at the stake. You believe the feminine aspect was crucified by the church, that's why you refuse to look at her although she is beating within you. She is not here to punish you like the phallic jealous gods of man but she will let you FEEL, and feel it all.
She is here to remind you that she is EVERYTHING and will flash her vulva like a middle finger in your face and will slay the beast of ignorance and hatred with her very teeth. I tell you that She is pregnant with life and she is in labour now. How she will birth depends on how she surrenders to her nature, her flow and her force.
The feminine principle is our RESURRECTION and she does not look like the sweet natured, soft spoken little girls that were taught to be valued had to serve her whole soul on a plate, forsaking herself and her birth right. Instead she is calling you out on your shit, letting herself be seen in all her shapes and guises. You call her crazy but who the fuck else has the power to weep and embody the pain of the world?
She does. When it seems like it's the end of the world, she is asking you to first rest so you can get in your hearts and be with your families, safe in your homes. She is preparing you now to see clearly even though you are being presented with illusion. Do you remember how?
Her tenderness and her tears are another manifestation of her strength and she remembers her wildness in giving birth to her own holiness. Her own body, created you through the magic of her blood, fed and nourished you through the milk of her breast and as an adult you crave to return home to the safety of her. When will this war on Her end? Only you can remove the bondages of your own slavery, let your eyes see that we are all ONE.
Full lockdown across most nations are forcing us into the bottleneck of our own awakening. There's nowhere to go now but within.
Where once our busy lifestyles, hooked up to the AI intravenous veins prevented us from really being present, from really dealing with our pain, we are now being rooted deep into the soil of the collective consciousness and our 'shit' is literally the fertiliser of new earth.
No more hiding, no more secrets; this is the big purge of humanity. Our ancestors birthed us through their bloodlines for this sacred initiation. What voice needs to be heard? What shame needs to be held? Which grotesque part of our psyche needs evacuating?
We will know the ugly, the revolting and the disgusting because it is inside everyone of us but of which not all of us choose. And choice is what we are now faced with, will we return home to love?
Inside our homes and in the places we lay our heads, our inner child wants to speak, our trauma's indignation will tremble like thunder and our grief will wail out across over a thousand moons.
Our rage is rising brothers and sisters, this is the sacred revolution! Let this truth rumble through your being, may it reach the recesses of guilt so it may be burned through the fires of holy transformation.
This mornings meditation I was shown a vision of a being appearing in the sky surrounded by false angelic beings, his look of the ancient biblical ones and with him an OVERWHEMING feeling which OVERTAKES which is to OVERPOWER people to their knees in awe.
This is an illusion, an elaborate glamour spell, part of the blue beam projects. This being is why those with the mother light codex are no longer seeds but are in fact anchors.
Anchored directly into Gaia, perfectly placed to cast a web of light from the womb source. In the face of what appears to be heavenly is in fact a signal for us to remain neutral, in non judgement, return back to point ZERO.
Yes there are many ground crew and being of light assisting ascension but this is a reminder that it occurs from INSIDE out, do not blindlessly nor mindlessly or follow what appears.
The heart knows.
When I was a little girl I wished that either death would take me or that someone would come save me; I never would have imagined it would be my future self reaching out across to her frozen in fear through the quantum field.
This world doesn't teach little girls to savagely protect their wild selves, instead it teaches them to be polite, to not disturb others and to relinquish their personal sovereign power away, usually to a prince or a knight illusion.
I grew up in an impoverished household of domestic violence surrounded by dangerous alcoholics, with 'parental figures' who either spoke with their fists or their screaming voices. I was treated no better than a dog on a chain and when my nose bled crimson or my eyes turned black, I preferred to turn to my step father who was sexually assaulting me from the age of six because I learned at least there I would find some sort of fucked up comfort.
How I turned into some sort of a functioning adult and not some rabid wild animal possibly boils down to survival of the fittest, not of the body but of the mind, and that is what I call resilience. It was my mind I used back then and my feminine wiles to survive but my body I felt so far removed from its sovereign power that I only knew it in its identity as a sexual bargaining object.
My story is not unique, in fact all of us have shared trauma in some way, there are many horrors that have been inherited into families and societies and still wars rage across the planet, whether that be physical or of the mind. Yet the war against the feminine aspect of humanity is what touches me the most, it's been threaded through my life's purpose and my soul's consciousness and always moved me to rebirth unity throughout my work.
Healing can take a lifetime of dedicated commitment, it's certainly not linear and often revisits with a bite on the backside. I began my own journey after a failed suicide attempt in 2004, waking up in a psychiatric ward wondering what devilish humour God must have to keep me suffering in this world. Then it came, a moment of peace followed by the thought, if I had survived then maybe it was to help others.
It was a revelation and something certainly never considered before. The new thought kept me company and seemingly brought me into a state of flow as my life began a series of miraculous unfolding. It seeded a purposeful mission, one which still holds true within me today.
I was to restructure the blueprint of my life, through my own grit and determination, forged from fire and risen out of ashes; my rebirth was not some flash from an atomic tsunami but it fell in tune with the patience of nature, slow and cyclical. Becoming a resurrected woman has taken cellular reconstruction and a determination that cannot be given to you but must be born through you.
Since the suffragette movement, the women's empowerment revolution swept the modern world and is prevalent in todays society. Fundamentally what we seek are equal rights, not to be harmed and the remembering that we are not a man's property. Fuck! As if these topics still need fighting for but sadly they do.
My own cultivation of self empowerment began with a softening and a mental reconditioning. A melting into feminine energy, what it means to be a feminine woman, whereby I could radiate my love and my nurturing ways. Any woman will tell you that THIS is what the world needs, and any man who has the capacity to sink into the truth of his bones inherently knows the truth of this too and that the world needs a woman's touch.
Over one million, three hundred thousand women in the UK suffered domestic violence last year and every year there is a rise in numbers of women being murdered and raped. Let's not forget genital mutilation, forced marriages and human trafficking. I wish I was making these figures up but these are the facts that no amount of love and light will melt away. And yet who are picking up the pieces? Women and those who love them.
I have been blessed to travel these ancient and modern wounds with women, called on the Goddess and proudly, unashamedly and proactively plunged into the warmth and pleasure aspects of the ways of woman and as much as I adore and revere this work, we are also not just a piece of pussy or are we our womb spaces.
We have been taught to be independent women, to create the life of our dreams but if we call ourselves goddesses and priestesses then we must remember that we are more than lovers, mothers and creators, we are warrior queen women- whom if and when the time comes, will not need protecting by another because we are whole and complete with balanced masculine and feminine energies and we got this, ALL of it.
We gotta come home to the power of our bodies, not just our sexual and creation powers but the power that calls on Boudicca and Joan of Arc, Kali and Athena, the sane power that writes stories such as Wonder Woman and the Amazonian women and remember that we are not powerless but we are everything.
Shame kept me locked in my body, fear memories etched through my skin, I cant begin to tell you how long I ran from her, refused to acknowledge what she was holding onto. My beloved is a self protection instructor and with his help I began to release the stuck memories through that quantum field. Yes I had spent years in therapy working in mental health, becoming a psychotherapist myself, yes I had worked with plant medicines merging with goddess consciousness and birthing the power of my feminine self but nothing prepared me for the physical purging out of the cellular memory of standing up for my lost little girl, kicking, yelling and screaming like a wild banshee woman wrestling my inner demons until I claimed myself in my wholeness.
Our body IS the Akashic record, it holds the universal consciousness within. It is the key to our peace and shame has no place to reside within. I spent a lifetime with my body in stagnation filled with distractions of my ideas of beauty and self love. True self love means facing your fears wherever they're hiding, fear has a lot to teach us in claiming our sovereignty.
So standing tall side by side with our conscious loving brothers is a choice we can make. I don't know what the future looks like but I decided that this life is for living and this land is our home.
Happy internationals women's day, tag a woman who needs to read this story
Suicide is the biggest killer of men in the UK right now because our brothers are receiving the backlash of the trauma inheritance of our forefathers, it's in their psyche and some in their actions.
Right now we are in the middle of an insurgency of the feminine aspect of humankind remembering her power, her sovereignty but most of all her voice. As sisters I call out to you the remembering of our unity, as you shift out of your pain body. The feminine is not better than the masculine nor the other way, and I pray we come home to the spiritual covenant of sacred family and relating.
The masculine is not a commodity! He is not a scapegoat for your pain. Our society has been in sickness for many generations but it takes a village to nurture and water our roots and to remember our wholeness together.
I'm so grateful for my son who taught me the innocence and the beauty of the masculine. I'm so grateful to his father who taught me that the masculine truly reveres family and community. I'm so grateful to my beloved who has held space for me as I elevated myself out of the ashes.
We are all climbing out of the ashes brothers and sisters, may we all fly together
I want to see more sisters celebrating the masculine in his heart and in his truth. I long for the feminine to be so joyous in her rapturous ecstasy claiming that He too is love. I pray for women to feel so safe and secure around our brothers that the pain of our ancestors can finally be laid to rest.
When will we all see that we need each other? Realise that the barbaric programming of the enslavement forefathers is not the person who stands before us, or next to us, or in our beds but simply an inherited memory that still haunts.
I want to see more brothers actively defending women in all places, it's not that we cant do it on our own but if we joined forces we would be unstoppable, a team you and I becoming; we. We know that not all of you are our murderers and our rapists but you hold that guilt in your psyche and it weighs you down. I know that you grimace when a sister crosses the road or avoids your eye contact.
It's not fair, it's not. Now that that's been said I hold my hands open and say 'I too am sorry' for we are also responsible for forgetting who we are, for making you think you are our source when in doing so made all of us incomplete. We created this together, no matter who is to blame I say let's create something better.
You see we are at the end of a long road, chosen now to pave another. We have wept many thousands of years and wish only for your truth to be told. No brothers and fathers should have to break under this heavy load, it's not a war against 'them' but it's been a war within, against the feminine aspect of you. Taught to deny and shut down, but the truth is boiling over with no return.
Please brother, reach for your gold.